Well, it's Christmas - which let's me know that the year is almost over. In looking back on 2011, it's really been quite a good year. It's hasn't been without it's hardships but it's proving to all be worth it. Just in looking back on my blogs since this summer I can see a growth, a change. I'm ending 2011 with a good attitude. 2012 will be bright and full of opportunity. It will be bright because of my positioning and alignment. I know who I am - or at least I have a pretty good idea. ;)
I think as we go into this next year, attitude is important. Attitude is something that can help us through or hold us back. Negative attitudes have no good purpose. Bad days happen but we don't have to allow circumstances to determine our attitude and outlook. Life is hard enough on its own - we don't need to make it any harder. That's really all that bad attitudes do. Their purpose is to hold us back and get in our way. As much as I like challenges, life gives me enough on its own, it doesn't need any help.
It's late. I'm going to bed. I can't write anymore. I can't really think anymore.
Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night. :]
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Let's be honest.
I found myself in a conversation with someone today and I can't say it was the prettiest conversation that I've ever had... But it was necessary. Even if the other party doesn't realize it. I'm still a little irked about the situation. It's not affecting my day to day, but it is making me look at things differently.
The situation: I've known this guy for a few years now, and at one point we were fairly good friends. He moved out of state some time this year and has recently found himself fired and with unpleasant living conditions, to say the least. I got a message from him saying he was trying to get enough money to come back home. Long story short, after talking to him today he was $20 short and had a crappy attitude. Now, obviously he's not in the most pleasant of situations; as I told him today though, having a bad perspective doesn't help anything. He didn't really like that. What he doesn't know is that I was thinking about sending him the last $20, but due to his attitude, I decided not to. I decided he had to do something for himself.
I'm not down for a pity ride. That's what I felt like was going on. I tried to bring some light to the situation and it was refused, really. It's his choice, it's on him.
He said this to me,"I'm sick of failing." Instantly, I thought "If you never follow through with anything, if you always give up when you're almost there, all you'll ever do is fail."
I'm not friends with quitters. I'm not friends with people who give up on the last stretch. So let's be honest here, grow a pair before you get a hold of me again. I don't need people in my life who refuse to see beauty, and refuse to appreciate what they do have, only seeing what they don't. If that's what holds you back, I don't want you around me.
Mark this as judgement. I'm done trying to soften what I say. I'm done beating around the bush. Let's just be honest, because I'm done with everything else.
The situation: I've known this guy for a few years now, and at one point we were fairly good friends. He moved out of state some time this year and has recently found himself fired and with unpleasant living conditions, to say the least. I got a message from him saying he was trying to get enough money to come back home. Long story short, after talking to him today he was $20 short and had a crappy attitude. Now, obviously he's not in the most pleasant of situations; as I told him today though, having a bad perspective doesn't help anything. He didn't really like that. What he doesn't know is that I was thinking about sending him the last $20, but due to his attitude, I decided not to. I decided he had to do something for himself.
I'm not down for a pity ride. That's what I felt like was going on. I tried to bring some light to the situation and it was refused, really. It's his choice, it's on him.
He said this to me,"I'm sick of failing." Instantly, I thought "If you never follow through with anything, if you always give up when you're almost there, all you'll ever do is fail."
I'm not friends with quitters. I'm not friends with people who give up on the last stretch. So let's be honest here, grow a pair before you get a hold of me again. I don't need people in my life who refuse to see beauty, and refuse to appreciate what they do have, only seeing what they don't. If that's what holds you back, I don't want you around me.
Mark this as judgement. I'm done trying to soften what I say. I'm done beating around the bush. Let's just be honest, because I'm done with everything else.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Simplicity.
So, to be perfectly honest I really don't know what to blog about today. I thought about the lovely - you're only young once - lesson that seems to keep coming up in my day to day life, but when I started that blog, it didn't go very far. It was much better in my head than actualized and thus, I erased what I had started. Now, I am starting over... only in today's society can I do that.
I've been finding myself faced with quite a few decisions lately. What do I allow to effect me? What do I not? Who do I give second chances to, likewise, who do I not? Yes or no? I mean, really conceptually, this whole thing is simple. The meaning to life is really simple. The complexity in anything lies in the simplicity. "It CAN'T be that easy."
Oh, but that's the beauty of it. It IS that easy. Human nature is to over-complicate things. If we just did and stopped thinking, we'd be a lot better off. My darkest times are the times I spend in my head.
I wrote down the following one day: It's what doesn't exist that will always win.
I struggled with that statement a little bit, but had the revelation one day of its truth. It wins because of the endless opportunity and the sheer possibility that it COULD. We've shoved everything that we "know" so far into a box that there's no way it can.
I remember reading The Little Engine That Could and thinking "That's so cool! He believed in himself." Somewhere along the way I realized that if he hadn't believed in himself, no one else ever would have. That epiphany changed a lot of how I think. Of course, I don't always think that is the case, because God knows that there were times in my life that if someone else hadn't believed in me, I never would have. I think that there is a lot of give and take and that once you have someone who can show you how to believe in you, it becomes your job to believe in yourself. It's that simple. Believe in you.
I've been finding myself faced with quite a few decisions lately. What do I allow to effect me? What do I not? Who do I give second chances to, likewise, who do I not? Yes or no? I mean, really conceptually, this whole thing is simple. The meaning to life is really simple. The complexity in anything lies in the simplicity. "It CAN'T be that easy."
Oh, but that's the beauty of it. It IS that easy. Human nature is to over-complicate things. If we just did and stopped thinking, we'd be a lot better off. My darkest times are the times I spend in my head.
I wrote down the following one day: It's what doesn't exist that will always win.
I struggled with that statement a little bit, but had the revelation one day of its truth. It wins because of the endless opportunity and the sheer possibility that it COULD. We've shoved everything that we "know" so far into a box that there's no way it can.
I remember reading The Little Engine That Could and thinking "That's so cool! He believed in himself." Somewhere along the way I realized that if he hadn't believed in himself, no one else ever would have. That epiphany changed a lot of how I think. Of course, I don't always think that is the case, because God knows that there were times in my life that if someone else hadn't believed in me, I never would have. I think that there is a lot of give and take and that once you have someone who can show you how to believe in you, it becomes your job to believe in yourself. It's that simple. Believe in you.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
A Reminder
I've been finding lately, that I've had to remind myself that I'm only 19. Oh good God, I'm only nineteen... I guess my "growing up" mentality hasn't quite gone away yet! When I was little, (I don't really remember but I'll take my dad's word on it) my dad would tell me "Sometimes you have to remind me that you're only ____ years old."
It's funny how those childhood lessons haven't really left me alone. Maybe I just think about it and realize it more now, due to my nephew but hey, it'll work:) - for any reason. I have now referenced quite a few childhood thoughts/games as I think it should be for now. Too often childhood is looked upon as 'immaturity.' I challenge that thought. Some of the hardest lessons I've had in life are what I would consider 'adolescent' lessons.
Not all of our 'growing up stage' is bad. It's our perspective of how it 'could have been' as we get older that messes it up. I know I'm getting over this whole 'what if' thing in life. "What if" doesn't matter. What IS does. Sometimes - as my sister said today - you gotta work with what you have. You won't get new things until you learn to appreciate what you do have.
I've always disagreed with the phrase: you don't know what you have 'til it's gone. Why of course I do! If I have a camera I don't realize it's a camera AFTER I sell it. I have a dog laying beside my chair right now. I don't need anyone else to tell me he's there. And I can tell you NOW the characteristics in this dog and what I love about him and what irritates me about ole Moosers. I don't have to wait until he's dead for that. Only a lazy person "doesn't know what they have until it's gone" because only a lazy person wouldn't take the time to look and acknowledge while that thing is there.
You can call it what you want... But in the end it's spelled the same way. Maybe I'm being a little harsh at the moment but.... I'm 19 and I get this concept. Offended yet? I hope not. That's not my intention but I won't fight it either. Offense happens, but it doesn't have to have power over you.
I've disagreed with a lot of things and a lot of people but I don't usually allow offense to decide if I still have relationship with a person. Just like I'm only 19, we are all only humans. I guess I say all this to say there are times to be hard on oneself and there are times to be merciful. I, personally, am still working on the merciful part. Being hard on myself I can do.
So remember this, you're only ___ years old and you're only human - but that doesn't allow you to be lazy.
It's funny how those childhood lessons haven't really left me alone. Maybe I just think about it and realize it more now, due to my nephew but hey, it'll work:) - for any reason. I have now referenced quite a few childhood thoughts/games as I think it should be for now. Too often childhood is looked upon as 'immaturity.' I challenge that thought. Some of the hardest lessons I've had in life are what I would consider 'adolescent' lessons.
Not all of our 'growing up stage' is bad. It's our perspective of how it 'could have been' as we get older that messes it up. I know I'm getting over this whole 'what if' thing in life. "What if" doesn't matter. What IS does. Sometimes - as my sister said today - you gotta work with what you have. You won't get new things until you learn to appreciate what you do have.
I've always disagreed with the phrase: you don't know what you have 'til it's gone. Why of course I do! If I have a camera I don't realize it's a camera AFTER I sell it. I have a dog laying beside my chair right now. I don't need anyone else to tell me he's there. And I can tell you NOW the characteristics in this dog and what I love about him and what irritates me about ole Moosers. I don't have to wait until he's dead for that. Only a lazy person "doesn't know what they have until it's gone" because only a lazy person wouldn't take the time to look and acknowledge while that thing is there.
You can call it what you want... But in the end it's spelled the same way. Maybe I'm being a little harsh at the moment but.... I'm 19 and I get this concept. Offended yet? I hope not. That's not my intention but I won't fight it either. Offense happens, but it doesn't have to have power over you.
I've disagreed with a lot of things and a lot of people but I don't usually allow offense to decide if I still have relationship with a person. Just like I'm only 19, we are all only humans. I guess I say all this to say there are times to be hard on oneself and there are times to be merciful. I, personally, am still working on the merciful part. Being hard on myself I can do.
So remember this, you're only ___ years old and you're only human - but that doesn't allow you to be lazy.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
You're in control.
Just so those of you who read this know, I started another bog today. A Music Paige.
Now, onto what I wanted to discuss. I got my vanity today!! It was a fantastic experience. We opened the box and the table was all in one piece! Didn't have to put together the drawers, put together the rest of it and then lug it up the stairs and into my room. It was such a pleasant surprise. :) So easy, so right.
And on to a deeper topic - I was watching Castle this morning and heard something that has stuck with me all day.
"You think it's a weakness, so make it a strength."
How awesome. So much of us lose that concept. Wait, we can do that? Yes, yes we can. I know I personally have struggled with that idea. I've had what I thought to be a weakness and let it be just that - a weakness. That's not ok. Why 'let it be' when we can make it be so much more and so much better? Yet we all do it. We allow ourselves to 'live' with things because it's 'just apart of' who we are, when that is not truth. Maybe NOW it's a part of who you are but that's only because you've allowed it to become that.
We seem to think that we have no control over anything. Lie. Maybe if we all stopped lying to ourselves we'd be in a much better, harder spot. See, I have turned my blog from "I like to rant" to "Let's drag all this crap out in the open". While dragging it all out may very well be the harder "I don't like this as much" way, it is much more rewarding in the end - even though I haven't gotten there yet. If nothing else the dragging it out and getting rid of it makes me feel better. It makes me feel more at peace, because I'm doing something about all those things I previously thought I had no control over. I found out I'd been lied to and so I now have the mindset of my three year old nephew. He believes he can do anything because, as my father so wisely stated, "No one ever told him he couldn't." Well, in some ways I have found myself going back in time lately. To be honest, I've rather enjoyed it. It's refreshing when you start to look at things like you can do anything because no one ever told you otherwise. Sure, people have said otherwise to me... but most of it was lies. :) If you don't believe me, just look at my life. It's all the proof I need.
Now, onto what I wanted to discuss. I got my vanity today!! It was a fantastic experience. We opened the box and the table was all in one piece! Didn't have to put together the drawers, put together the rest of it and then lug it up the stairs and into my room. It was such a pleasant surprise. :) So easy, so right.
And on to a deeper topic - I was watching Castle this morning and heard something that has stuck with me all day.
"You think it's a weakness, so make it a strength."
How awesome. So much of us lose that concept. Wait, we can do that? Yes, yes we can. I know I personally have struggled with that idea. I've had what I thought to be a weakness and let it be just that - a weakness. That's not ok. Why 'let it be' when we can make it be so much more and so much better? Yet we all do it. We allow ourselves to 'live' with things because it's 'just apart of' who we are, when that is not truth. Maybe NOW it's a part of who you are but that's only because you've allowed it to become that.
We seem to think that we have no control over anything. Lie. Maybe if we all stopped lying to ourselves we'd be in a much better, harder spot. See, I have turned my blog from "I like to rant" to "Let's drag all this crap out in the open". While dragging it all out may very well be the harder "I don't like this as much" way, it is much more rewarding in the end - even though I haven't gotten there yet. If nothing else the dragging it out and getting rid of it makes me feel better. It makes me feel more at peace, because I'm doing something about all those things I previously thought I had no control over. I found out I'd been lied to and so I now have the mindset of my three year old nephew. He believes he can do anything because, as my father so wisely stated, "No one ever told him he couldn't." Well, in some ways I have found myself going back in time lately. To be honest, I've rather enjoyed it. It's refreshing when you start to look at things like you can do anything because no one ever told you otherwise. Sure, people have said otherwise to me... but most of it was lies. :) If you don't believe me, just look at my life. It's all the proof I need.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
A Choice
Faced with a choice, after looking at the possible options, a decision is made. Conclusion reached. Go on as I had been going on. Get my head out of the situation. Stop thinking about it and do, as previous. That is the only option because that is the only option that leads to life.
I'm not doing this blindly. I'm doing this with guidance from the Holy Spirit. It has nothing to do with faith, with the exception of my faith in Yahweh in the other party. This is all vague, I know. But I feel as though the details of the situation should not be shared publically on the Internet for the world to see. It is a personal situation and shall remain as such, (with a few exceptions) until I'm on the other side of this. There is a time and season for all things.
I made a declaration tonight to my Creator that I choose life. While a head slap may be in order from time to time, it, is my choice. Any Death in me can feel free to leave, and that which remains will be expunged.
I understand what is on the line and I'm not willing to risk it.
I'm not doing this blindly. I'm doing this with guidance from the Holy Spirit. It has nothing to do with faith, with the exception of my faith in Yahweh in the other party. This is all vague, I know. But I feel as though the details of the situation should not be shared publically on the Internet for the world to see. It is a personal situation and shall remain as such, (with a few exceptions) until I'm on the other side of this. There is a time and season for all things.
I made a declaration tonight to my Creator that I choose life. While a head slap may be in order from time to time, it, is my choice. Any Death in me can feel free to leave, and that which remains will be expunged.
I understand what is on the line and I'm not willing to risk it.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Just a Rant
So today I'm going to rant because, well I feel like it and because I can. Don't try to get some über deep meaning outing this because to my knowledge, there will be none. So here goes:
People. They have opinions of what you SHOULD do with YOUR life. "Well Paige, you should go to school." Are you gonna help me pay for it? "What do you wanna do when you grow up?" Oh right, because I haven't grown up yet. Thanks for saying I'm still a little kid. Then, when I answer, I get this look of "That's it? Really?" Don't ask if you don't want the answer. If you have a problem with the answer, I don't really care. I'm not your kid. If it's good enough for me, it should be good enough for you. See, here's the deal - I don't have to let ANYONE live vicariously through me. I'm just supposed to live MY life, not yours. If you have all these great ideas then YOU do them.
What I do find quite peculiar is that the people whom you wouldn't mind getting an opinion from usually don't care. It's everyone else that seems to have some sort of preconceived notion.
I guess I just get irritated because everyone seems to have these grandiose ideas of how my life could be but that implies that my ideas aren't good enough. My head works perfectly fine, thank you.
People. They have opinions of what you SHOULD do with YOUR life. "Well Paige, you should go to school." Are you gonna help me pay for it? "What do you wanna do when you grow up?" Oh right, because I haven't grown up yet. Thanks for saying I'm still a little kid. Then, when I answer, I get this look of "That's it? Really?" Don't ask if you don't want the answer. If you have a problem with the answer, I don't really care. I'm not your kid. If it's good enough for me, it should be good enough for you. See, here's the deal - I don't have to let ANYONE live vicariously through me. I'm just supposed to live MY life, not yours. If you have all these great ideas then YOU do them.
What I do find quite peculiar is that the people whom you wouldn't mind getting an opinion from usually don't care. It's everyone else that seems to have some sort of preconceived notion.
I guess I just get irritated because everyone seems to have these grandiose ideas of how my life could be but that implies that my ideas aren't good enough. My head works perfectly fine, thank you.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
A Who.
Last night, was about a man. Today is about a woman. Tomorrow, another man. Each day I awake, I find that day to be about a person, whether that person is myself or another.
I bought a vanity online recently and I've been waiting for it to come in. It was supposed to get here yesterday and I think I know why it didn't. Yesterday wasn't about me getting a vanity. It was about me seeing a different blessing in my life; that blessing is a who. It didn't come today, and I'm good with that - my priorities are in order. Even if I got it today, it wouldn't make today about a vanity, it would still be about the woman today is about.
Man lies, so I'm not on Man's schedule. I'm on a higher schedule. My days are about people, not things. Things are only the evidence of the blessings in our life. For example, I have a 2007 Nissan Altima - 6 speed, push button start. That car is evidence of blessing. It, in itself is not a blessing. Now don't get me wrong, I love my car. I love my car for many reasons, first and foremost because Yahweh is the reason I have that car. That car is undeniable proof to me that I know and love a god that knows and loves me back. It is evidence. Nothing more, nothing less.
I am so thankful for that evidence in my life, but my life is not about said evidence. It's about so much more. It's about people. It's about a who. Always. I have been on a... Let's say journey. I have been on a journey lately to make sure that I am in alignment with who 'this day' is about. I have found that everyone has there turn.
I'll leave with this: If today is not your day, there will be your day. So be patient and do not be jealous. Jealousy only delays you on your journey.
I bought a vanity online recently and I've been waiting for it to come in. It was supposed to get here yesterday and I think I know why it didn't. Yesterday wasn't about me getting a vanity. It was about me seeing a different blessing in my life; that blessing is a who. It didn't come today, and I'm good with that - my priorities are in order. Even if I got it today, it wouldn't make today about a vanity, it would still be about the woman today is about.
Man lies, so I'm not on Man's schedule. I'm on a higher schedule. My days are about people, not things. Things are only the evidence of the blessings in our life. For example, I have a 2007 Nissan Altima - 6 speed, push button start. That car is evidence of blessing. It, in itself is not a blessing. Now don't get me wrong, I love my car. I love my car for many reasons, first and foremost because Yahweh is the reason I have that car. That car is undeniable proof to me that I know and love a god that knows and loves me back. It is evidence. Nothing more, nothing less.
I am so thankful for that evidence in my life, but my life is not about said evidence. It's about so much more. It's about people. It's about a who. Always. I have been on a... Let's say journey. I have been on a journey lately to make sure that I am in alignment with who 'this day' is about. I have found that everyone has there turn.
I'll leave with this: If today is not your day, there will be your day. So be patient and do not be jealous. Jealousy only delays you on your journey.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
The Hiding Place
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Ready or not, here I come!
Awaiting in the dark, sitting in the silence, not knowing when the light was going to creep in. To come out would mean to risk losing the game. Oh, how unimaginable that would be! No, not me. I'm in it to win it.
The hiding was easy. Just to sit and let my mind go wherever it wanted - whether it be into battle or in a fairytale yet to come true. I could be and do what I wanted while hiding. I thought for so long it was just a "childish game" but to be honest it was one of my favorites. It was so much more than "hiding"; it was a new adventure every time. Then one day I realized the truth, I was still playing a game of Hide and Seek.
My life had become one 19 year long game. I had conquered the hiding. I was unaware of just how successful I had actually become. I could hide in plain sight without meaning to or really wanting to; I could hide from family and friends, all the while being "seen".
I decided 19 years was long enough. My life was not meant to be a game played but so much more. The process of coming out of my hiding place meant quite a lot of risk, in all actuality. It wasn't just a "get up, open the door and walk out." I must first take into consideration the simple light factor; take a breathe, let the eyes adjust and move forward. Then there is the vulnerability and openness; no longer encapsulated by walls, all "surroundings" are lost and un-comfortability sets in. The last thing - this means the end of the game.
"The End." How often we think that is all there is. We are so quick to forget that what follows "the end" is another beginning. We get so caught up in the losing that we forget the gain. The only reason fairytales end in "and the lived happily ever after..." is because the kids have to go to sleep sometime. The true end for me, would have been staying where I was. I had to be bigger than where I was. I had to accept that I could have stayed, and I would have gone through life being... fine. I would have "succeeded" in all definitions of the word - except for mine. I could have lived life as I was, but it wouldn't have been to my standard. I would have always wanted more and wondered "what if". That, to me, is the ultimate definition of 'unacceptable' and so, I stood up and walked on out of my oh so comfortable hiding place.
While I know that staying would have been easier, I know that this is better. I know that this is right. I know that this is true success.
Awaiting in the dark, sitting in the silence, not knowing when the light was going to creep in. To come out would mean to risk losing the game. Oh, how unimaginable that would be! No, not me. I'm in it to win it.
The hiding was easy. Just to sit and let my mind go wherever it wanted - whether it be into battle or in a fairytale yet to come true. I could be and do what I wanted while hiding. I thought for so long it was just a "childish game" but to be honest it was one of my favorites. It was so much more than "hiding"; it was a new adventure every time. Then one day I realized the truth, I was still playing a game of Hide and Seek.
My life had become one 19 year long game. I had conquered the hiding. I was unaware of just how successful I had actually become. I could hide in plain sight without meaning to or really wanting to; I could hide from family and friends, all the while being "seen".
I decided 19 years was long enough. My life was not meant to be a game played but so much more. The process of coming out of my hiding place meant quite a lot of risk, in all actuality. It wasn't just a "get up, open the door and walk out." I must first take into consideration the simple light factor; take a breathe, let the eyes adjust and move forward. Then there is the vulnerability and openness; no longer encapsulated by walls, all "surroundings" are lost and un-comfortability sets in. The last thing - this means the end of the game.
"The End." How often we think that is all there is. We are so quick to forget that what follows "the end" is another beginning. We get so caught up in the losing that we forget the gain. The only reason fairytales end in "and the lived happily ever after..." is because the kids have to go to sleep sometime. The true end for me, would have been staying where I was. I had to be bigger than where I was. I had to accept that I could have stayed, and I would have gone through life being... fine. I would have "succeeded" in all definitions of the word - except for mine. I could have lived life as I was, but it wouldn't have been to my standard. I would have always wanted more and wondered "what if". That, to me, is the ultimate definition of 'unacceptable' and so, I stood up and walked on out of my oh so comfortable hiding place.
While I know that staying would have been easier, I know that this is better. I know that this is right. I know that this is true success.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
To love and be loved
They say the greatest gift in the world is to love and be loved. "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."
The "to love" part, I get. Can't say I'm perfect at that part, but I understand it. I do love. I love life - usually; and I love those around me. I love those who have taken part in who I am today and have helped shape me into the woman I am now. There have been a lot of people in and out of my life. To say a hundred people have impacted me would be an understatement. I won't say that I remember ALL of them. But I remember a good majority.
I remember the young man who drew me a picture before I moved to VT.:) Thank you Gorge. While I'm sure you're not reading this I don't think I ever got a chance to tell you how much that meant to me. I still have it. It's hanging up on my bedroom wall. Every time I see it, I think of you and your kindness to a person you didn't know that well.
I remember Alexis in Colorado along with the many others I met in my three years there. I remember my old friend Katelyn and her parents' restaurant. "Why do you always ruin my husbands good food with soy sauce?!" Every time I grab a soy sauce packet, I think of you Diane.
There was Helen and Kathryn from my first go round in Tennessee. Let's not forget the long overdue Chelsea. She put up with me through most of my moving all over the place. Since I mentioned her I might as well mention Stephen. That goes back to preschool!
Then of course theres the most recent. There's the how many different Michaels I know?! There's the Daniels, because of course I know more than one. Now, I'm not going to mention EVERYONE. I think you get my point by now - as I've now forgotten mine.
Oh yes, to love. I understand. I do. Whether I like it or not I have a heart and I do use it. And it's been crushed more than once. It's the "and to be loved" that I always seem to struggle with. While I know that I am loved it seems to be much harder to receive than to give.
I found myself talking to my dad last week. He said "Have you ever loved someone and theres nothing you or they can do about it?" and all I could think was "On more than one occasion." Everyone I "once" loved, I still do. I think if it were any other way, it wouldn't really be love.
The receiving, to me, is much like that of someone calling another a hero. It's flattering yet awkward at the same time. Well ok, maybe this is only in my case. Growing up, no one ever taught me how to receive love. I saw it given. Monkey see, monkey do. I do as I was shown to do. While I'm trying change this for myself it is no easy task. That, I can tell you. However, I never have been one for the easy way. I always want a challenge. I guess someone forgot to mention that this time, the challenge would be to receive love; to receive it from myself and from others. Lately all my challenges seem to be with the "simple" things.
Game. On.
The "to love" part, I get. Can't say I'm perfect at that part, but I understand it. I do love. I love life - usually; and I love those around me. I love those who have taken part in who I am today and have helped shape me into the woman I am now. There have been a lot of people in and out of my life. To say a hundred people have impacted me would be an understatement. I won't say that I remember ALL of them. But I remember a good majority.
I remember the young man who drew me a picture before I moved to VT.:) Thank you Gorge. While I'm sure you're not reading this I don't think I ever got a chance to tell you how much that meant to me. I still have it. It's hanging up on my bedroom wall. Every time I see it, I think of you and your kindness to a person you didn't know that well.
I remember Alexis in Colorado along with the many others I met in my three years there. I remember my old friend Katelyn and her parents' restaurant. "Why do you always ruin my husbands good food with soy sauce?!" Every time I grab a soy sauce packet, I think of you Diane.
There was Helen and Kathryn from my first go round in Tennessee. Let's not forget the long overdue Chelsea. She put up with me through most of my moving all over the place. Since I mentioned her I might as well mention Stephen. That goes back to preschool!
Then of course theres the most recent. There's the how many different Michaels I know?! There's the Daniels, because of course I know more than one. Now, I'm not going to mention EVERYONE. I think you get my point by now - as I've now forgotten mine.
Oh yes, to love. I understand. I do. Whether I like it or not I have a heart and I do use it. And it's been crushed more than once. It's the "and to be loved" that I always seem to struggle with. While I know that I am loved it seems to be much harder to receive than to give.
I found myself talking to my dad last week. He said "Have you ever loved someone and theres nothing you or they can do about it?" and all I could think was "On more than one occasion." Everyone I "once" loved, I still do. I think if it were any other way, it wouldn't really be love.
The receiving, to me, is much like that of someone calling another a hero. It's flattering yet awkward at the same time. Well ok, maybe this is only in my case. Growing up, no one ever taught me how to receive love. I saw it given. Monkey see, monkey do. I do as I was shown to do. While I'm trying change this for myself it is no easy task. That, I can tell you. However, I never have been one for the easy way. I always want a challenge. I guess someone forgot to mention that this time, the challenge would be to receive love; to receive it from myself and from others. Lately all my challenges seem to be with the "simple" things.
Game. On.
Friday, November 4, 2011
The Right.
What's today about? The right.
Left or right? Right or wrong? Having the right? Which "right"? Regardless of my uncertainty, I held "the right" in front if me.
I went through my day with "the right" not knowing but at least thinking I was heading in "the right" direction. It wasn't until 8pm that I realized - it wasn't about right or wrong; it wasn't about having a right. It was about BEING right.
"You are "the right" and it took you all day to figure it out."
Yes, yes it did, and yet my figuring wasn't finished yet. I got home and went in my room to get some cleaning done. As I looked around at the clutter to see what I could organize next, I spotted the tiara on my hope chest from my 18th birthday.
"Put it on."
Hesitating, I start putting some stuff away still eyeing it. (Keep in mind, I've really only wore it once.)
"Just put the thing on."
So I opened it's plastic case and took the tiara out, went to my full length mirror and put it on my head.
"You are "the right"."
Looking away from mirror, my eyes began to water. You can tell me most anything and it doesn't phase me, but put a crown on my head and tears are right there to greet it. I continued to do what I had been, tiara and all.
The thing I once longed for became a mockery to me. It became the symbol of what I felt I could never become. It became a symbol of all that I could not achieve. Instead of seeing the beauty it resembled I saw the faults of myself. Instead of seeing "the right" I saw the wrong all along.
"Are you getting used to it yet?"
"A little..."
"You can take it off now."
"I'll leave it on...."
That, was the right answer. It was the right answer to a statement. It was the right answer to the hidden, unasked question. It was right because I was right; because I am right; because I am "the right". It's my job now to see the right in who, what, and where; in and outside of my circumstances. It is my job to be "the right" no matter what. I have two words for you:
Challenge. Accepted.
Left or right? Right or wrong? Having the right? Which "right"? Regardless of my uncertainty, I held "the right" in front if me.
I went through my day with "the right" not knowing but at least thinking I was heading in "the right" direction. It wasn't until 8pm that I realized - it wasn't about right or wrong; it wasn't about having a right. It was about BEING right.
"You are "the right" and it took you all day to figure it out."
Yes, yes it did, and yet my figuring wasn't finished yet. I got home and went in my room to get some cleaning done. As I looked around at the clutter to see what I could organize next, I spotted the tiara on my hope chest from my 18th birthday.
"Put it on."
Hesitating, I start putting some stuff away still eyeing it. (Keep in mind, I've really only wore it once.)
"Just put the thing on."
So I opened it's plastic case and took the tiara out, went to my full length mirror and put it on my head.
"You are "the right"."
Looking away from mirror, my eyes began to water. You can tell me most anything and it doesn't phase me, but put a crown on my head and tears are right there to greet it. I continued to do what I had been, tiara and all.
The thing I once longed for became a mockery to me. It became the symbol of what I felt I could never become. It became a symbol of all that I could not achieve. Instead of seeing the beauty it resembled I saw the faults of myself. Instead of seeing "the right" I saw the wrong all along.
"Are you getting used to it yet?"
"A little..."
"You can take it off now."
"I'll leave it on...."
That, was the right answer. It was the right answer to a statement. It was the right answer to the hidden, unasked question. It was right because I was right; because I am right; because I am "the right". It's my job now to see the right in who, what, and where; in and outside of my circumstances. It is my job to be "the right" no matter what. I have two words for you:
Challenge. Accepted.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Possibility
"it's what doesn't exist yet that will always win."
Why? Because of the possibility.
Just because something doesn't exist in your reality doesn't mean that it does not exist.
I have often wondered what is real and what is not. To some people that may categorize me as crazy, but I would say I'm just open minded. I believe there is more to this life than what we can see.
It took me a long time to have the ability to believe. I know that may seem like a dumb statement as we are all born with ability; ability to do what we want.
Growing up, I quickly learned there was nothing to believe in. I KNEW things. I knew there was a god. Did I believe in Him? Not particularly. I knew that humanity COULD do the right thing? Did I believe in humanity? Nope. And I still don't. I believe in Him being expressed through humanity. How? Possibility.
Why are people afraid of the dark? The possibilities of what's there. Until just recently I thought that people were afraid of the dark because of the unknown; in truth I think it's the unknown possibilities. There could be nothing, there could be a serial killer, maybe your significant other, the possibilities are endless.
When you're in high school the question you get asked the most: what do you want to do?
The reason that's such a difficult question? There are so many possibilities.
Possibilities seem to trap us and set us free at the same time. Since we don't truly know what we really want, too many possibilities get us stuck and not enough is just no fun.
Possibilities have the ability to be whatever you make them, just as your day has the ability to be whatever you make of it. Growing up our parents tell us we can be anything we want, yet the world tells us otherwise. I'm telling you, you have the ABILITY to do and be who and what you want to do and be. What you do with that ability is up to you.
Why? Because of the possibility.
Just because something doesn't exist in your reality doesn't mean that it does not exist.
I have often wondered what is real and what is not. To some people that may categorize me as crazy, but I would say I'm just open minded. I believe there is more to this life than what we can see.
It took me a long time to have the ability to believe. I know that may seem like a dumb statement as we are all born with ability; ability to do what we want.
Growing up, I quickly learned there was nothing to believe in. I KNEW things. I knew there was a god. Did I believe in Him? Not particularly. I knew that humanity COULD do the right thing? Did I believe in humanity? Nope. And I still don't. I believe in Him being expressed through humanity. How? Possibility.
Why are people afraid of the dark? The possibilities of what's there. Until just recently I thought that people were afraid of the dark because of the unknown; in truth I think it's the unknown possibilities. There could be nothing, there could be a serial killer, maybe your significant other, the possibilities are endless.
When you're in high school the question you get asked the most: what do you want to do?
The reason that's such a difficult question? There are so many possibilities.
Possibilities seem to trap us and set us free at the same time. Since we don't truly know what we really want, too many possibilities get us stuck and not enough is just no fun.
Possibilities have the ability to be whatever you make them, just as your day has the ability to be whatever you make of it. Growing up our parents tell us we can be anything we want, yet the world tells us otherwise. I'm telling you, you have the ABILITY to do and be who and what you want to do and be. What you do with that ability is up to you.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Anew
A new month, a new time, a new day. Let's come at life anew. I so often see (and honestly, quite frequently have myself) the perspective of "It's just another day." While in part, this is true it is so much more than that. It is another day, but it is another day you have to explore. It's another day you have to enjoy and live. It's another day you have to decide what you will do with it. If you so choose to make it JUST another day, that is exactly what you will end up with - just another day.
If I live till I'm 80, that gives me 29,200 days here on this earth. I don't want 29,199 "just another day"s. I don't think anyone does. So why do we allow ourselves to live that way? Why do we settle for "just" when we could have extraordinary?
We are responsible for our everyday. We can't control our surroundings or circumstances. Life happens. That's known. So if we go into everyday knowing that "life" happens why do we allow it to get to us? Shouldn't we already be fairly prepared for it then? Everyday we wake up to life, so yes, life does and will happen - for as long as you live for that matter. What will you do with life is now the question?
When life hands you lemons will you make lemonade, Mikes Hard, or squirt yourself in the eyes? No one can control what you do with what life hands you except for you. So let's live this life anew everyday and see what you can do for handy work.:)
If I live till I'm 80, that gives me 29,200 days here on this earth. I don't want 29,199 "just another day"s. I don't think anyone does. So why do we allow ourselves to live that way? Why do we settle for "just" when we could have extraordinary?
We are responsible for our everyday. We can't control our surroundings or circumstances. Life happens. That's known. So if we go into everyday knowing that "life" happens why do we allow it to get to us? Shouldn't we already be fairly prepared for it then? Everyday we wake up to life, so yes, life does and will happen - for as long as you live for that matter. What will you do with life is now the question?
When life hands you lemons will you make lemonade, Mikes Hard, or squirt yourself in the eyes? No one can control what you do with what life hands you except for you. So let's live this life anew everyday and see what you can do for handy work.:)
Monday, October 31, 2011
Break what I can.
As it's my parents anniversary, I came home from work today and thought "I'll do some cleaning to help them out." Check the sink, clean the dirty dishes - step one done.
Onto the bathroom. I have now wiped down part of the shower and decide to turn on the shower to help aid the rinsing of cleaning products. EASY! Until... I begin playing around with one of the shower heads to angle it better for said rinsing. SNAP! :( There goes the one of the shower heads. Oh, but even better there is still cleaning residue in the shower. Well, I'll be.
I look at the shower head and assess its brokenness. Yup, as I thought. It's broke, broken. So, I text my dad to let him know. Continuing on my way I finish rinsing the residue and move to the toilet. Get some spray, take the toilet brush, let's go! I'm using the toilet brush and scrubbing. All of a sudden what do you suppose I hear? CRACK! Ugh, there goes the handle....
With the shower head already in the sink I toss in the now broken toilet brush as well, snap a picture with my phone and off to my dad it goes. At this point, I cannot help but laugh. The "oh crap" feeling has left my body and mind allowing "I can't believe this." to set in. Laughing to myself I think "what's next?" And my dad wonders the same thing. I inform him that I will let him know when it happens.
After fixing my previous breakings, I go to turn on our electric water heater (basically an electric kettle). But to my dismay, the button was already pushed down and the light isn't on. Well, that's odd... So I flick the button up and back down. Still nothing. Damn, not again... I open the top and sniff. Smells like something is burning. Yup, another thing is broken.
"Dad, just so ya know, this is broke too." Three things broken. One day. Well, that was successful.
My perspective started as "You have got to be kidding me." and ended with the same statement. The first far worse than the last. The more it happened the more it became like a joke to me. I wasn't trying to break anything, but if it's breakable I guess the best thing is for it to be broke. And that's just what I did. So yes, my day was successful. How was yours?
Onto the bathroom. I have now wiped down part of the shower and decide to turn on the shower to help aid the rinsing of cleaning products. EASY! Until... I begin playing around with one of the shower heads to angle it better for said rinsing. SNAP! :( There goes the one of the shower heads. Oh, but even better there is still cleaning residue in the shower. Well, I'll be.
I look at the shower head and assess its brokenness. Yup, as I thought. It's broke, broken. So, I text my dad to let him know. Continuing on my way I finish rinsing the residue and move to the toilet. Get some spray, take the toilet brush, let's go! I'm using the toilet brush and scrubbing. All of a sudden what do you suppose I hear? CRACK! Ugh, there goes the handle....
With the shower head already in the sink I toss in the now broken toilet brush as well, snap a picture with my phone and off to my dad it goes. At this point, I cannot help but laugh. The "oh crap" feeling has left my body and mind allowing "I can't believe this." to set in. Laughing to myself I think "what's next?" And my dad wonders the same thing. I inform him that I will let him know when it happens.
After fixing my previous breakings, I go to turn on our electric water heater (basically an electric kettle). But to my dismay, the button was already pushed down and the light isn't on. Well, that's odd... So I flick the button up and back down. Still nothing. Damn, not again... I open the top and sniff. Smells like something is burning. Yup, another thing is broken.
"Dad, just so ya know, this is broke too." Three things broken. One day. Well, that was successful.
My perspective started as "You have got to be kidding me." and ended with the same statement. The first far worse than the last. The more it happened the more it became like a joke to me. I wasn't trying to break anything, but if it's breakable I guess the best thing is for it to be broke. And that's just what I did. So yes, my day was successful. How was yours?
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
My favorite side?
"What's your favorite side of yourself?"
"My rugby side." I answer quickly but softly.
"Why?"
"Because... That side is the side that runs off the pain. It tackles off the anger. It "shows" the strength that the other sides don't. It's the most rugged, roughest side." As I say these words I realize it's not necessarily a good thing. Depending on what perspective you have, it could also be the most hurtful side. It could be the scariest; the most intimidating.
I think about the people at work, people I know from rugby, and from school. I start wondering who knew what side of me. Who knew multiple sides?
Let's start with work - the overall happy but a little frazzled and usually overwhelmed Paige.
Rugby - we already addressed so I'll spare you this time.:)
School - the artsy, creative "I'm on a mission" Paige.
Home - I usually don't wanna talk about it. Whatever that IT may be. I have bigger concerns.
You get the picture. Up until today, if somebody had asked me "where would you like me to see you?" I would have said the rugby field. Now, I'm not so sure. I don't see this uncertainty as insecurity. I see it as a reevaluation. Reevaluations are good.
"My rugby side." I answer quickly but softly.
"Why?"
"Because... That side is the side that runs off the pain. It tackles off the anger. It "shows" the strength that the other sides don't. It's the most rugged, roughest side." As I say these words I realize it's not necessarily a good thing. Depending on what perspective you have, it could also be the most hurtful side. It could be the scariest; the most intimidating.
I think about the people at work, people I know from rugby, and from school. I start wondering who knew what side of me. Who knew multiple sides?
Let's start with work - the overall happy but a little frazzled and usually overwhelmed Paige.
Rugby - we already addressed so I'll spare you this time.:)
School - the artsy, creative "I'm on a mission" Paige.
Home - I usually don't wanna talk about it. Whatever that IT may be. I have bigger concerns.
You get the picture. Up until today, if somebody had asked me "where would you like me to see you?" I would have said the rugby field. Now, I'm not so sure. I don't see this uncertainty as insecurity. I see it as a reevaluation. Reevaluations are good.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Back again?
It's been a while since I've posted anything. Been a little all over the place since then. Literally, emotionally, whatever. I went down to Florida and back, Rhode Island and back. It's not been easy lately. Sometimes I feel like it never is easy, but in the same breath I'll feel like I don't have it hard enough. I guess really it's all a matter of perspective. Seems like my perspective is almost always "I can do more." and it's trouble. I put more on myself than I need to or want to. I overwhelm myself. Everybody wants to feel important, right?
I used to think I tried to do so much to please my parents. Convince them I was "good enough". Somewhere along the way I realized it's because I'm still trying to convince myself that I'm good enough. And to think all this time, I thought it would work. I'm nineteen years old. And I feel like no matter how much I do or accomplish before I depart from this earth, it just won't be enough. It's one thing to think you won't be enough for someone else. It's completely different to think you won't be enough for yourself. It's not a very fun thought.
I'll do a lot in my life. No matter how long or short it is. I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time, be thankful for what I have and who I am in any given moment.
I, like any one, have my good days and my bad days. My ups and my downs. It's strange because as I've gotten older my ups and downs have come closer together. You'd think it'd be just the opposite... One day will be just ok, the next great, and the next I don't want to deal with anything at all. And so the cycle goes.
I struggle with something one day, have it all figured out the next and it's back to a problem the day after. I haven't figured it out. I don't understand and it doesn't make sense to me. Today's a day where I don't want to have to deal with anything or anyone. It's more than just "I have a bad case of the Mondays."
Of course if I were to be writing this tomorrow that wouldn't be the case. How cruel life can be haha. I know it's just the way I'm looking at things. I just don't know why I'm back to this place. I feel like I'm just going around in circles and not really making any ground forward. It does me no good.
I guess I'm done for today. I'll write again when I'm in a better place. I guess old habits really do die hard.
I used to think I tried to do so much to please my parents. Convince them I was "good enough". Somewhere along the way I realized it's because I'm still trying to convince myself that I'm good enough. And to think all this time, I thought it would work. I'm nineteen years old. And I feel like no matter how much I do or accomplish before I depart from this earth, it just won't be enough. It's one thing to think you won't be enough for someone else. It's completely different to think you won't be enough for yourself. It's not a very fun thought.
I'll do a lot in my life. No matter how long or short it is. I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time, be thankful for what I have and who I am in any given moment.
I, like any one, have my good days and my bad days. My ups and my downs. It's strange because as I've gotten older my ups and downs have come closer together. You'd think it'd be just the opposite... One day will be just ok, the next great, and the next I don't want to deal with anything at all. And so the cycle goes.
I struggle with something one day, have it all figured out the next and it's back to a problem the day after. I haven't figured it out. I don't understand and it doesn't make sense to me. Today's a day where I don't want to have to deal with anything or anyone. It's more than just "I have a bad case of the Mondays."
Of course if I were to be writing this tomorrow that wouldn't be the case. How cruel life can be haha. I know it's just the way I'm looking at things. I just don't know why I'm back to this place. I feel like I'm just going around in circles and not really making any ground forward. It does me no good.
I guess I'm done for today. I'll write again when I'm in a better place. I guess old habits really do die hard.
Friday, September 9, 2011
My Tirade
So while the rest of the world is thinking about the 10th anniversary of September 11th, I am thinking about the fact that someone decided it would be a good idea to remake Footloose. While September 11th seems so much more important... I think I'd pay more attention to it if I were flying on that day. I think would be SO AWESOME! What can I say? I like adventures. And I don't like it when people try to control me by fear. And I'm not afraid of some terrorist. I mean with all my flying experiences, if i really wanted to, I could BE the terrorist. and WHY oh WHY are we allowing the experience of ten years ago to be relived? Did anyone ever think that was inconsiderate? I do. I think that if they died once, there is no reason to make them die again.
On to Footloose.... Dennis Quaid as Reverend Shaw?! He's not a prick like that. I mean, I think Dennis is a great actor, but I don't think the role of Reverend Shaw fits him. And seriously who could even possibly play Ren better than Kevin Bacon?? Let's get serious here though, the casting isn't what gets to me most. It's the fact that the people who are going to watch this remake - aside from me - probably never saw the original. I think its nonsensical to go and remake such a classic. How do you think you're gonna out do the original? You need a little more than "hipper dance moves." What's next? The Breakfast Club? I just think that if you're going to try to make a move like that, it takes a lot. A lot more than what most people are willing to do now. Otherwise you just give it a good try. And that really doesn't get you far. If you're going to go big, go all the way. None of this "I guess that'll do." Because "I guess that'll do" gets you mediocrity. Now, if mediocrity is your thing then hey, I guess that'll do for you. I hope you hit up mediocrity big...
On to Footloose.... Dennis Quaid as Reverend Shaw?! He's not a prick like that. I mean, I think Dennis is a great actor, but I don't think the role of Reverend Shaw fits him. And seriously who could even possibly play Ren better than Kevin Bacon?? Let's get serious here though, the casting isn't what gets to me most. It's the fact that the people who are going to watch this remake - aside from me - probably never saw the original. I think its nonsensical to go and remake such a classic. How do you think you're gonna out do the original? You need a little more than "hipper dance moves." What's next? The Breakfast Club? I just think that if you're going to try to make a move like that, it takes a lot. A lot more than what most people are willing to do now. Otherwise you just give it a good try. And that really doesn't get you far. If you're going to go big, go all the way. None of this "I guess that'll do." Because "I guess that'll do" gets you mediocrity. Now, if mediocrity is your thing then hey, I guess that'll do for you. I hope you hit up mediocrity big...
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Story Time
So this blog is a little different than normal but it's what I came up with last night. I hope it moves or touches you somehow. Here goes:
Tonight, I give you a story.
There was a girl, so overwhelmed with pain, anger and agony that she hid inside herself, so no one else could see. She always made sure to wear her big girl pants. Be prepared for the worst and forget the best. She never expected or wanted much as her way of avoiding disappointment. She coped in the only way she knew how. She froze her heart, she froze her feelings, her emotions. She made sure they were cold to the world, and cold to herself. She was hard on the world because she was hard on herself. She didn't let up and didn't quit. As she grew older, she grew colder. She was beautiful on the outside but she resented everything she stood for inside. She resented where she came from, what she overcame, and most importantly, who she was. She thought no good could possibly come from her and all she did was hurt those around her. She wanted so much more.
She looked and looked and finally one day, she found a man. Day by day, piece by piece, this man melted away the ice from her heart. She tried to fight it, but sure enough the man was bigger, tougher, stronger, and more stubborn than she. It took everything inside her to let the man get to the core of her being. Just to let him look. And so, the ice slowly melted away and warmth began to set in. The heart was so sensitive it hurt to touch. The trouble is now she has to make sure it never freezes back over. So far so good. She cries sometimes, but still doesn't like to admit it. She understands she can play pretend but chooses not to instead. She feels love inside. But if you meet this young lady, don't be mistaken; her heart is in it's place. If she seems cold it's only because she has to, not because she wants to. She's found a place of peace and joy. She sees who and what she once was and doesn't want to ever return. Even if that is the easier way. She's up for a challenge. So if you meet her, all she wants is for you to join her.
Tonight, I give you a story.
There was a girl, so overwhelmed with pain, anger and agony that she hid inside herself, so no one else could see. She always made sure to wear her big girl pants. Be prepared for the worst and forget the best. She never expected or wanted much as her way of avoiding disappointment. She coped in the only way she knew how. She froze her heart, she froze her feelings, her emotions. She made sure they were cold to the world, and cold to herself. She was hard on the world because she was hard on herself. She didn't let up and didn't quit. As she grew older, she grew colder. She was beautiful on the outside but she resented everything she stood for inside. She resented where she came from, what she overcame, and most importantly, who she was. She thought no good could possibly come from her and all she did was hurt those around her. She wanted so much more.
She looked and looked and finally one day, she found a man. Day by day, piece by piece, this man melted away the ice from her heart. She tried to fight it, but sure enough the man was bigger, tougher, stronger, and more stubborn than she. It took everything inside her to let the man get to the core of her being. Just to let him look. And so, the ice slowly melted away and warmth began to set in. The heart was so sensitive it hurt to touch. The trouble is now she has to make sure it never freezes back over. So far so good. She cries sometimes, but still doesn't like to admit it. She understands she can play pretend but chooses not to instead. She feels love inside. But if you meet this young lady, don't be mistaken; her heart is in it's place. If she seems cold it's only because she has to, not because she wants to. She's found a place of peace and joy. She sees who and what she once was and doesn't want to ever return. Even if that is the easier way. She's up for a challenge. So if you meet her, all she wants is for you to join her.
Friday, August 19, 2011
One big QUESTION MARK
If I could portray how I feel in any way I wanted to, I would use a blank piece of paper. That's how I feel. Not empty. Blank. I think that's any important thing to clarify. I feel like that's kind of ironic given that my name is Paige, but we'll leave that alone for now. It seems like I have all sorts of options and directions I CAN go... but to can go is not the question. I will go. It's just a matter of where I will go. And at this point, I honestly have no freaking clue as to where that is. I've wanted to do and see all sorts of things. Now... the thought of it just saddens me. I feel like when I was nine I had a better idea of a direction to go. I wanted to be a veterinarian. The one thing I knew I loved was animals. I had my mind set on that for years. I wasn't one of those kids who wanted to have 15 different jobs by the time they were ten. I just wanted to be a vet. As I've 'grown-up' I've gotten more and more clueless. It reminds me of the song "All Star" by Smash Mouth. The line that has caught my attention lately is "Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb." That about sums up how I feel.
I was talking to a co-worker this week and he had asked me if I was going to school this fall. My response? "No, I'm to cool for school." While we all know, that is partially true, that's really not why. I can't rationalize in my head going to school to get an education in something that I have no idea what I'd want an education in. I don't feel like wasting my time and money for a thing that seems so full of nonsense. That's just my choice though. I am still young. People keep telling me that I still have time. That's not really what I'm looking at though. It's not that I feel like I don't have time. I just feel like I'm rather directionless right now. Who knows... maybe I'll just end up like the wind. I go where I go and I turn when I want to turn. Hah. Just sounds a little bit like a vagabond if you ask me. I'll figure it out... Otherwise I'll go nuts.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Lazy? Or just incompetent?
Last time I blogged, I left you with a question. "What do you think is the difference between elegance and ugly?" My dad's answer: there is none. Mine? Price. Oh, and of course a name. It's amazing what one can charge just because of the name on a thing. Just something to think on...
Anyway, topic of the day - LAZINESS. It's no surprise that people in this day and age are lazy. They have a thought of entitlement. In that state of mind they think "I don't have to do it. Someone else will clean up after me." It drives me nuts. Not doing a very simple task means one of two things to me. 1.You're lazy, OR 2. You're incompetent. Neither of those come across as a good thing to me. It's quite frustrating to see people only operate in one of those two areas. Humans were never made to be THAT dumb. I guess it's one of those "actions speak louder than words" kinda moments. I can know a person is smarter than that - and they can SAY they are smarter than that, but they never actuate being smart. Now that's trouble. The sad thing is I don't think I know which is worse. I almost think I'd rather be incompetent than lazy. Laziness says something about the kind of person you are. It says something about the kind of character you have. It says.... that you suck. I don't like laziness. It's like a contagious disease. I'm not down for it. I don't want it; don't need it. I've gotten this far without it and don't want to risk anything for it. I hope you feel the same. And if you're unfortunate enough to already have it.... get some medicine.
Anyway, topic of the day - LAZINESS. It's no surprise that people in this day and age are lazy. They have a thought of entitlement. In that state of mind they think "I don't have to do it. Someone else will clean up after me." It drives me nuts. Not doing a very simple task means one of two things to me. 1.You're lazy, OR 2. You're incompetent. Neither of those come across as a good thing to me. It's quite frustrating to see people only operate in one of those two areas. Humans were never made to be THAT dumb. I guess it's one of those "actions speak louder than words" kinda moments. I can know a person is smarter than that - and they can SAY they are smarter than that, but they never actuate being smart. Now that's trouble. The sad thing is I don't think I know which is worse. I almost think I'd rather be incompetent than lazy. Laziness says something about the kind of person you are. It says something about the kind of character you have. It says.... that you suck. I don't like laziness. It's like a contagious disease. I'm not down for it. I don't want it; don't need it. I've gotten this far without it and don't want to risk anything for it. I hope you feel the same. And if you're unfortunate enough to already have it.... get some medicine.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Life
Umm, so I have no idea what to blog about. Then again I don't really have much of any idea about anything lately. I don't really know where I'm headed or what I want to do. When I was little I wanted to be a vet when I grew up... and now, I'm basically "grown up" and have not a clue as to what I want to do. I just want to be. I'm thankful to be alive and for everyday that Im given. Why do I have to make a choice? Why do people want me to limit myself? I just want to be... whatever I will be. I feel like so much of the time people are saying "do something with your life" and yet they don't realize - I am. The worst part is their doubt in me, causes me to doubt myself. I should be able to live my life without question. I've always gotten irritated with people putting their nose in my business. And I finally figured out why - IT'S MY LIFE. Not yours. So ask if you want, but if I don't know then leave it alone. If you want me to do something, then I think you should've done it yourself. It's not my job to allow you to live vicariously through me. It's my job to allow me to live vicariously through myself.
I know this whole thing probably sounds really selfish but somethings gotta give. I've lived a huge part of my life trying to please other people. In the end no one was happy. That's how I got to where I am today and with the perspective I have today. I'm not the kind of person who will do anything to anyone to get what I want. That's just messed. But I will live for myself. I will do what I think is right. I will do what is hard. I will do what is needed and I will pick up an empty pack of cigarettes when no one is looking because it drives me nuts to see them chilling on the ground. We make a statement about ourselves everyday. And I think we need to take that statement making serious. As people, we make things a habit and don't think about it. I've forced myself to think about it. I've forced myself to pause and make a conscientious effort to realize what I'm doing and the statement it makes about the kind of person I am. I guess I really did have something to talk about. :)
Thought for next time - what's the difference between elegance and ugly?
I know this whole thing probably sounds really selfish but somethings gotta give. I've lived a huge part of my life trying to please other people. In the end no one was happy. That's how I got to where I am today and with the perspective I have today. I'm not the kind of person who will do anything to anyone to get what I want. That's just messed. But I will live for myself. I will do what I think is right. I will do what is hard. I will do what is needed and I will pick up an empty pack of cigarettes when no one is looking because it drives me nuts to see them chilling on the ground. We make a statement about ourselves everyday. And I think we need to take that statement making serious. As people, we make things a habit and don't think about it. I've forced myself to think about it. I've forced myself to pause and make a conscientious effort to realize what I'm doing and the statement it makes about the kind of person I am. I guess I really did have something to talk about. :)
Thought for next time - what's the difference between elegance and ugly?
Monday, August 1, 2011
Are You Serious?
Our society as a whole has gotten me so mad lately. Are you guys serious? Obama wants to raise the debt ceiling... sure I understand that 'we need to' but why? Because people want to put it off for my generation to deal with? Thanks guys... Can't people just take responsibility for what they do? I mean, I'm a female and I'm man enough to do that. We have whole generations that put off what they did onto another generation - AND THEN wonder why we have a bunch of 20 year olds who flip off the world. Common sense is needed here. I'm not saying that my generation is justified but can you really blame them? If someone tried it with you, what would you do? Honestly? I guess it just comes down to this... you're crap smells too. I get so sick and tired of this whole "well I'm older so I'm better" mentality. NO YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE CLOSER TO DEATH. I'm not saying that young people don't die. They do. But overall life expectancy is in the 70s. You do the math.
Now I know this one will offend but I don't mean it to... What in the world is up with this country and football?? Is it because it takes most people back to the 'good ole days' of high school and college? Is it because we don't feel like actually throwing a ball ourselves? Wouldn't that be just too much exercise... I mean let's face it - if this country got rid of the NFL so many people would be unhappy. Why do we let such a thing control us? I'm sorry, but I think it's stupid. I mean I don't like football anyway but that's beside the point. I think it's ridiculous that we are that involved in a thing that doesn't care about us. I know for me... fantasy football comes around and I dread it. Most people can't wait from the time the Superbowl is won until the first football game of the season. Me? The Superbowl is won and I say "THANK GOD IT'S OVER!!" The only reason I even watch the Superbowl is the commercials. I like advertising and marketing. That's my thing right there.
Ultimately I just think this society can't be serious. Really guys? Can't we get it together? And once we do... can't we keep it together? For once. Wanna talk about making a change in the world. I think I just found the answer.
Now I know this one will offend but I don't mean it to... What in the world is up with this country and football?? Is it because it takes most people back to the 'good ole days' of high school and college? Is it because we don't feel like actually throwing a ball ourselves? Wouldn't that be just too much exercise... I mean let's face it - if this country got rid of the NFL so many people would be unhappy. Why do we let such a thing control us? I'm sorry, but I think it's stupid. I mean I don't like football anyway but that's beside the point. I think it's ridiculous that we are that involved in a thing that doesn't care about us. I know for me... fantasy football comes around and I dread it. Most people can't wait from the time the Superbowl is won until the first football game of the season. Me? The Superbowl is won and I say "THANK GOD IT'S OVER!!" The only reason I even watch the Superbowl is the commercials. I like advertising and marketing. That's my thing right there.
Ultimately I just think this society can't be serious. Really guys? Can't we get it together? And once we do... can't we keep it together? For once. Wanna talk about making a change in the world. I think I just found the answer.
Monday, July 25, 2011
The End of the Road
When one thing ends we often forget that allows another thing to begin. If something never ended, well I don't know how much we would really appreciate it. The ending of a thing is both hard and beautiful. The ending of a relationship - possibly very necessary, possibly very unwanted, but it happens. I've learned that the ending of every relationship allows the opportunity for something else. Both parties walk away learning from the experience. So much of life's 'endings' are affected by our attitude. They go as well or as bad as we want them to... or we let them. We all have things that we try to hold on to even after the time has passed.
There's a time for everything. And I've had a lot of endings lately. Well, I've had a lot of endings in my life too. I can't say I'm fully good with them but I've learned that they aren't the end of the world. :) Life goes on. The world keeps spinning. Life is difficult enough as it is. And we, as humans, make it so much more complicated that it has to be. We over think things, we hold on too tight, we push away too hard and we try to do too much on our own.
I am a very independent person. And I've gotten over the fact that I can't do everything by myself. Sometimes I do need help. Sometimes I do need company. And quite honestly, I enjoy people being in my life. I enjoy including people in my life. This weekend, I cooked a meal for two of the most important people to me. I didn't need to do it. I didn't have to do it. I wanted to. I wanted to include these two people into a certain part of my life. So I did, and everything was perfect. I couldn't have imagined a better beginning to the end of something.
There's a time for everything. And I've had a lot of endings lately. Well, I've had a lot of endings in my life too. I can't say I'm fully good with them but I've learned that they aren't the end of the world. :) Life goes on. The world keeps spinning. Life is difficult enough as it is. And we, as humans, make it so much more complicated that it has to be. We over think things, we hold on too tight, we push away too hard and we try to do too much on our own.
I am a very independent person. And I've gotten over the fact that I can't do everything by myself. Sometimes I do need help. Sometimes I do need company. And quite honestly, I enjoy people being in my life. I enjoy including people in my life. This weekend, I cooked a meal for two of the most important people to me. I didn't need to do it. I didn't have to do it. I wanted to. I wanted to include these two people into a certain part of my life. So I did, and everything was perfect. I couldn't have imagined a better beginning to the end of something.
Monday, July 18, 2011
"That's What's Important"
Over the past week or so, I've found myself saying "That's what's important." I realized that every time I've said that, it's been over rather ridiculous stuff - things that really aren't important. The things that are most important in life (well my life anyway) aren't objects or activities but people. YOU are what is important. I've figured out that if you aren't important to yourself, it's hard for other people to make you important to them. If you don't love or respect yourself, how can you expect someone to love or respect you?
Growing up, I heard "You get what you give." While I think this is true, you can't give what you don't have. It's a basic of life. Just like what goes up, must come down. I've seen so many people who hate themselves. It's a pretty common thing these days, but it's one of the most tragic as well. I, personally, have been on both sides of the fence. I think the real trick to life, is being ale to see yourself for all that you are. And with that, you can do anything.
As a society we are so contradicting. We start off telling our kids lies and then wonder why they don't trust us later in life. Well, who was it who told them that Santa, the Tooth Fairy, or Spiderman was real? "But it's all in good fun, Paige." Yeah, I'll say the same to you when you're kid says he/she doesn't believe in a god. I'm not meaning to come off as rude here, but I think it's about time that as a society and culture, we realize the impact of our words - or lack there of. In the words of my dad, there is someone looking up to you. Whether you like it or not. I have decided, that I want to make sure someone can look up to me and not be ashamed of what they see.
I was honored by a guy at work today. He was an older gentlemen, wearing scrubs and had a stethoscope around his neck. Since I was in front of him, I opened the door and held it for him, as I would normally do. He looked at me and said "Oh no, chivalry won't allow that." He held the door and let me go through first. While most people might think, "Well, that's what he's supposed to do" I don't. I try to show an older generation some respect and normally, that's not the response I get. I don't see many people my age, do what I do. Nor do I fully expect them to. Us "kids" have seen enough of what we don't want to be that we'll do just about anything to not end up like the people before us. That's an error on our part. If you can't find ONE good thing about the people who are, let's say 70 and up, then I don't think you're looking hard enough. And if you still can't find ONE thing about ONE person, than maybe you should see if you can find one good thing about yourself.
This is in part meant to be, at least slightly, motivational. But if nothing else - walk away from this looking at people in just a little bit of a different way. I work with A LOT of people who are at least twice my age. While I think most of them look at me like I'm still just a kid, I can pretty much guarantee you that they haven't met anyone like me yet. They've got a lot to learn, because 'you can't teach an old dog new tricks' is just a lazy excuse. If you get a challenge out of this - than I did my job well. :)
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Lost In Mind
Lost in my mind, lost in my thoughts. I never know where Life will take me next. One thought through my mind and I'm on to the next. Some linger a little longer than others. What's got me so quiet? Life. I don't know where I'm going and I don't know when I'll get there. But when I do, I'll know. I'm looking through what's in front of me and not quite sure how to get to the other side. Explosions won't work... Nor will guns. Now what? I know how to break things down. I know how to kick things over. But what happens when you're talking about the future? You can't just break the future down or kick it over. I feel like I need to be strategic about this... Methodical. Like a game of Chess. And something tells me I don't want to have my opponent be the one to say "check mate." Taking my time and being patient is painful for me. I want to be proactive. I want to at least FEEL like I'm doing something with my life. Like I'm grabbing the Bull by the horns. Sometimes though, you have to take a step back and reassess the situation before fully knowing what to do. Well... I'm stepping back. I need a clear head on my shoulders. This is my future I'm dealing with. That's some heavy stuff. It's my decision as to what to do with it. And having that kind of responsibility for myself... well, it just doesn't seem like something to be taken lightly. I can screw up a whole lot of ways. Unfortunately, I see very few ways of not messing something up. I guess that's why I have people in my life I can count on. Because no matter what, I know there are certain people who will look at me and say "Paige, that's just dumb." That's what I like about them though. Brutal honesty. I can take it. And if I can take that, can't I take anything that Life wants to throw at me? Including my future? You bet your bottom dollar. :)
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Firsts
We all have our firsts... first step, first love, first kiss. Well, this is my first blog post. Bear with me everyone.
It's always intense when your thoughts and feelings are posted where everyone can see them. Facebook (in my belief) has so dulled this. Due to Facebook and Twitter we lose sight of just how private our thoughts actually are. We think "Well I can vent on Facebook." NO. We just tolerate you venting on Facebook. Chances are, we've already blocked you from our newsfeed anyway. And if you're like me - you don't have a Twitter account because seeing what everyone has to say - "well quite frankly, my dear, I just don't give a damn." If people really wanted to know what was going on in your life, don't you think they'd pick up a phone? I mean all we do these days is text anyway... Now, don't go getting me wrong here. I have a Facebook that I update and an iPhone that i text on. I'm not against technology. I'm against the un-personalization that technology has allowed. At least on Apple products you can see someone's face again and not have to creep on FB to do so.
Funny thing is, I never started this blog to smash the social networking sites we use today... But I have my thoughts and feelings... and rants. And if social networking gets me on a rant, I might as well blog about it. Besides, I can't say I fully knew what to blog about anyway. I'm new at this, remember?
It's always intense when your thoughts and feelings are posted where everyone can see them. Facebook (in my belief) has so dulled this. Due to Facebook and Twitter we lose sight of just how private our thoughts actually are. We think "Well I can vent on Facebook." NO. We just tolerate you venting on Facebook. Chances are, we've already blocked you from our newsfeed anyway. And if you're like me - you don't have a Twitter account because seeing what everyone has to say - "well quite frankly, my dear, I just don't give a damn." If people really wanted to know what was going on in your life, don't you think they'd pick up a phone? I mean all we do these days is text anyway... Now, don't go getting me wrong here. I have a Facebook that I update and an iPhone that i text on. I'm not against technology. I'm against the un-personalization that technology has allowed. At least on Apple products you can see someone's face again and not have to creep on FB to do so.
Funny thing is, I never started this blog to smash the social networking sites we use today... But I have my thoughts and feelings... and rants. And if social networking gets me on a rant, I might as well blog about it. Besides, I can't say I fully knew what to blog about anyway. I'm new at this, remember?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)