I've known a lot of people with some pretty great potential... Sadly, that was all it ever was. Potential. They didn't do anything with the resources they had. 'Woe is me' didn't get them where they needed to go. They stopped short of the goal, if they were even ran they race at all. I don't want to be one of those people. I want to be something. No, I want to DO something. Those are two very different things. I have this desire to feel like everyday I do something productive. Some nights I go to bed a little less satisfied than others. For a while I thought it was just because I like the feeling of "Look what I did." and while this is true, it's not the sole reason.
I keep thinking that if I do a little more and try a little harder it will get me where I want to go. And in the end, it doesn't. There's always something else I could have or should have done. I always could have tried a little harder. There's always something I could have done better or put more effort in to. All I have to show for 20 years of 'trying harder' is being really tired. What kind of potential is that? Not very self-satisfactory I can tell you that much. For twenty years it's been "but maybe one day...." but 'one day' never quite seems to be this day, or the next day.
I want to feel like its enough, but there's always two more phases to be done. There's always one more step to take, one more word to say. Just one more. One more thing to do before that potential is made manifest. So much of the time I feel so far from that potential made manifest because I don't even know where to start. I don't know where I'm trying to go or where I'm starting from. All I know is I don't want to end up in the same place I start.
I'm twenty years in to this thing we call life. Some days are better than others, but on those not so good days, I feel like I'm worse off than when I started. I've been through a lot, and most of it has just caused more confusion than anything. I don't know why I do half the things I do anymore. I just go through my oh so routine days and hope that maybe at some point, something, somewhere along the way will break. I hope that at some point I'll figure what I'm trying to do and who I'm supposed to be. Maybe somewhere along the way someone will give me more than 'be yourself' because that is so ridiculously stupid to say to someone who doesn't know who they are. Maybe at some point, I'll take whatever potential I have, and do something with it and make it more than just 'great potential.'
