You're in control.

Just so those of you who read this know, I started another bog today. A Music Paige.

Now, onto what I wanted to discuss. I got my vanity today!! It was a fantastic experience. We opened the box and the table was all in one piece! Didn't have to put together the drawers, put together the rest of it and then lug it up the stairs and into my room. It was such a pleasant surprise. :) So easy, so right.

And on to a deeper topic - I was watching Castle this morning and heard something that has stuck with me all day.


"You think it's a weakness, so make it a strength."


How awesome. So much of us lose that concept. Wait, we can do that? Yes, yes we can. I know I personally have struggled with that idea. I've had what I thought to be a weakness and let it be just that - a weakness. That's not ok. Why 'let it be' when we can make it be so much more and so much better? Yet we all do it. We allow ourselves to 'live' with things because it's 'just apart of' who we are, when that is not truth. Maybe NOW it's a part of who you are but that's only because you've allowed it to become that. 


We seem to think that we have no control over anything. Lie. Maybe if we all stopped lying to ourselves we'd be in a much better, harder spot. See, I have turned my blog from "I like to rant" to "Let's drag all this crap out in the open". While dragging it all out may very well be the harder "I don't like this as much" way, it is much more rewarding in the end - even though I haven't gotten there yet. If nothing else the dragging it out and getting rid of it makes me feel better. It makes me feel more at peace, because I'm doing something about all those things I previously thought I had no control over. I found out I'd been lied to and so I now have the mindset of my three year old nephew. He believes he can do anything because, as my father so wisely stated, "No one ever told him he couldn't." Well, in some ways I have found myself going back in time lately. To be honest, I've rather enjoyed it. It's refreshing when you start to look at things like you can do anything because no one ever told you otherwise. Sure, people have said otherwise to me... but most of it was lies. :) If you don't believe me, just look at my life. It's all the proof I need. 

A Choice

Faced with a choice, after looking at the possible options, a decision is made. Conclusion reached. Go on as I had been going on. Get my head out of the situation. Stop thinking about it and do, as previous. That is the only option because that is the only option that leads to life.

I'm not doing this blindly. I'm doing this with guidance from the Holy Spirit. It has nothing to do with faith, with the exception of my faith in Yahweh in the other party. This is all vague, I know. But I feel as though the details of the situation should not be shared publically on the Internet for the world to see. It is a personal situation and shall remain as such, (with a few exceptions) until I'm on the other side of this. There is a time and season for all things.

I made a declaration tonight to my Creator that I choose life. While a head slap may be in order from time to time, it, is my choice. Any Death in me can feel free to leave, and that which remains will be expunged.

I understand what is on the line and I'm not willing to risk it.

Just a Rant

So today I'm going to rant because, well I feel like it and because I can. Don't try to get some über deep meaning outing this because to my knowledge, there will be none. So here goes:

People. They have opinions of what you SHOULD do with YOUR life. "Well Paige, you should go to school." Are you gonna help me pay for it? "What do you wanna do when you grow up?" Oh right, because I haven't grown up yet. Thanks for saying I'm still a little kid. Then, when I answer, I get this look of "That's it? Really?" Don't ask if you don't want the answer. If you have a problem with the answer, I don't really care. I'm not your kid. If it's good enough for me, it should be good enough for you. See, here's the deal - I don't have to let ANYONE live vicariously through me. I'm just supposed to live MY life, not yours. If you have all these great ideas then YOU do them.

What I do find quite peculiar is that the people whom you wouldn't mind getting an opinion from usually don't care. It's everyone else that seems to have some sort of preconceived notion.

I guess I just get irritated because everyone seems to have these grandiose ideas of how my life could be but that implies that my ideas aren't good enough. My head works perfectly fine, thank you.

A Who.

Last night, was about a man. Today is about a woman. Tomorrow, another man. Each day I awake, I find that day to be about a person, whether that person is myself or another.

I bought a vanity online recently and I've been waiting for it to come in. It was supposed to get here yesterday and I think I know why it didn't. Yesterday wasn't about me getting a vanity. It was about me seeing a different blessing in my life; that blessing is a who. It didn't come today, and I'm good with that - my priorities are in order. Even if I got it today, it wouldn't make today about a vanity, it would still be about the woman today is about.

Man lies, so I'm not on Man's schedule. I'm on a higher schedule. My days are about people, not things. Things are only the evidence of the blessings in our life. For example, I have a 2007 Nissan Altima - 6 speed, push button start. That car is evidence of blessing. It, in itself is not a blessing. Now don't get me wrong, I love my car. I love my car for many reasons, first and foremost because Yahweh is the reason I have that car. That car is undeniable proof to me that I know and love a god that knows and loves me back. It is evidence. Nothing more, nothing less.

I am so thankful for that evidence in my life, but my life is not about said evidence. It's about so much more. It's about people. It's about a who. Always. I have been on a... Let's say journey. I have been on a journey lately to make sure that I am in alignment with who 'this day' is about. I have found that everyone has there turn.

I'll leave with this: If today is not your day, there will be your day. So be patient and do not be jealous. Jealousy only delays you on your journey.

The Hiding Place

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Ready or not, here I come!


Awaiting in the dark, sitting in the silence, not knowing when the light was going to creep in. To come out would mean to risk losing the game. Oh, how unimaginable that would be! No, not me. I'm in it to win it. 

The hiding was easy. Just to sit and let my mind go wherever it wanted - whether it be into battle or in a fairytale yet to come true. I could be and do what I wanted while hiding. I thought for so long it was just a "childish game" but to be honest it was one of my favorites. It was so much more than "hiding"; it was a new adventure every time. Then one day I realized the truth, I was still playing a game of Hide and Seek.

My life had become one 19 year long game. I had conquered the hiding. I was unaware of just how successful I had actually become. I could hide in plain sight without meaning to or really wanting to; I could hide from family and friends, all the while being "seen".

I decided 19 years was long enough. My life was not meant to be a game played but so much more. The process of coming out of my hiding place meant quite a lot of risk, in all actuality. It wasn't just a "get up, open the door and walk out." I must first take into consideration the simple light factor; take a breathe, let the eyes adjust and move forward. Then there is the vulnerability and openness; no longer encapsulated by walls, all "surroundings" are lost and un-comfortability sets in. The last thing - this means the end of the game.

"The End." How often we think that is all there is. We are so quick to forget that what follows "the end" is another beginning. We get so caught up in the losing that we forget the gain. The only reason fairytales end in "and the lived happily ever after..." is because the kids have to go to sleep sometime. The true end for me, would have been staying where I was. I had to be bigger than where I was. I had to accept that I could have stayed, and I would have gone through life being... fine. I would have "succeeded" in all definitions of the word - except for mine. I could have lived life as I was, but it wouldn't have been to my standard. I would have always wanted more and wondered "what if". That, to me, is the ultimate definition of 'unacceptable' and so, I stood up and walked on out of my oh so comfortable hiding place.

While I know that staying would have been easier, I know that this is better. I know that this is right. I know that this is true success.

To love and be loved

They say the greatest gift in the world is to love and be loved. "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

The "to love" part, I get. Can't say I'm perfect at that part, but I understand it. I do love. I love life - usually; and I love those around me. I love those who have taken part in who I am today and have helped shape me into the woman I am now. There have been a lot of people in and out of my life. To say a hundred people have impacted me would be an understatement. I won't say that I remember ALL of them. But I remember a good majority.

I remember the young man who drew me a picture before I moved to VT.:) Thank you Gorge. While I'm sure you're not reading this I don't think I ever got a chance to tell you how much that meant to me. I still have it. It's hanging up on my bedroom wall. Every time I see it, I think of you and your kindness to a person you didn't know that well.

I remember Alexis in Colorado along with the many others I met in my three years there. I remember my old friend Katelyn and her parents' restaurant. "Why do you always ruin my husbands good food with soy sauce?!" Every time I grab a soy sauce packet, I think of you Diane.

There was Helen and Kathryn from my first go round in Tennessee. Let's not forget the long overdue Chelsea. She put up with me through most of my moving all over the place. Since I mentioned her I might as well mention Stephen. That goes back to preschool!

Then of course theres the most recent. There's the how many different Michaels I know?! There's the Daniels, because of course I know more than one. Now, I'm not going to mention EVERYONE. I think you get my point by now - as I've now forgotten mine.

Oh yes, to love. I understand. I do. Whether I like it or not I have a heart and I do use it. And it's been crushed more than once. It's the "and to be loved" that I always seem to struggle with. While I know that I am loved it seems to be much harder to receive than to give.

I found myself talking to my dad last week. He said "Have you ever loved someone and theres nothing you or they can do about it?" and all I could think was "On more than one occasion." Everyone I "once" loved, I still do. I think if it were any other way, it wouldn't really be love.

The receiving, to me, is much like that of someone calling another a hero. It's flattering yet awkward at the same time. Well ok, maybe this is only in my case. Growing up, no one ever taught me how to receive love. I saw it given. Monkey see, monkey do. I do as I was shown to do. While I'm trying change this for myself it is no easy task. That, I can tell you. However, I never have been one for the easy way. I always want a challenge. I guess someone forgot to mention that this time, the challenge would be to receive love; to receive it from myself and from others. Lately all my challenges seem to be with the "simple" things.

Game. On.

The Right.

What's today about? The right.

Left or right? Right or wrong? Having the right? Which "right"? Regardless of my uncertainty, I held "the right" in front if me.

I went through my day with "the right" not knowing but at least thinking I was heading in "the right" direction. It wasn't until 8pm that I realized - it wasn't about right or wrong; it wasn't about having a right. It was about BEING right.

"You are "the right" and it took you all day to figure it out."

Yes, yes it did, and yet my figuring wasn't finished yet. I got home and went in my room to get some cleaning done. As I looked around at the clutter to see what I could organize next, I spotted the tiara on my hope chest from my 18th birthday.

"Put it on."

Hesitating, I start putting some stuff away still eyeing it. (Keep in mind, I've really only wore it once.)

"Just put the thing on."

So I opened it's plastic case and took the tiara out, went to my full length mirror and put it on my head.

"You are "the right"."

Looking away from mirror, my eyes began to water. You can tell me most anything and it doesn't phase me, but put a crown on my head and tears are right there to greet it. I continued to do what I had been, tiara and all.

The thing I once longed for became a mockery to me. It became the symbol of what I felt I could never become. It became a symbol of all that I could not achieve. Instead of seeing the beauty it resembled I saw the faults of myself. Instead of seeing "the right" I saw the wrong all along.

"Are you getting used to it yet?"

"A little..."

"You can take it off now."

"I'll leave it on...."

That, was the right answer. It was the right answer to a statement. It was the right answer to the hidden, unasked question. It was right because I was right; because I am right; because I am "the right". It's my job now to see the right in who, what, and where; in and outside of my circumstances. It is my job to be "the right" no matter what. I have two words for you:

Challenge. Accepted.

Possibility

"it's what doesn't exist yet that will always win."

Why? Because of the possibility.
Just because something doesn't exist in your reality doesn't mean that it does not exist.

I have often wondered what is real and what is not. To some people that may categorize me as crazy, but I would say I'm just open minded. I believe there is more to this life than what we can see.

It took me a long time to have the ability to believe. I know that may seem like a dumb statement as we are all born with ability; ability to do what we want.

Growing up, I quickly learned there was nothing to believe in. I KNEW things. I knew there was a god. Did I believe in Him? Not particularly. I knew that humanity COULD do the right thing? Did I believe in humanity? Nope. And I still don't. I believe in Him being expressed through humanity. How? Possibility.

Why are people afraid of the dark? The possibilities of what's there. Until just recently I thought that people were afraid of the dark because of the unknown; in truth I think it's the unknown possibilities. There could be nothing, there could be a serial killer, maybe your significant other, the possibilities are endless.

When you're in high school the question you get asked the most: what do you want to do?
The reason that's such a difficult question? There are so many possibilities.

Possibilities seem to trap us and set us free at the same time. Since we don't truly know what we really want, too many possibilities get us stuck and not enough is just no fun.

Possibilities have the ability to be whatever you make them, just as your day has the ability to be whatever you make of it. Growing up our parents tell us we can be anything we want, yet the world tells us otherwise. I'm telling you, you have the ABILITY to do and be who and what you want to do and be. What you do with that ability is up to you.

Anew

A new month, a new time, a new day. Let's come at life anew. I so often see (and honestly, quite frequently have myself) the perspective of "It's just another day." While in part, this is true it is so much more than that. It is another day, but it is another day you have to explore. It's another day you have to enjoy and live. It's another day you have to decide what you will do with it. If you so choose to make it JUST another day, that is exactly what you will end up with - just another day.

If I live till I'm 80, that gives me 29,200 days here on this earth. I don't want 29,199 "just another day"s. I don't think anyone does. So why do we allow ourselves to live that way? Why do we settle for "just" when we could have extraordinary?

We are responsible for our everyday. We can't control our surroundings or circumstances. Life happens. That's known. So if we go into everyday knowing that "life" happens why do we allow it to get to us? Shouldn't we already be fairly prepared for it then? Everyday we wake up to life, so yes, life does and will happen - for as long as you live for that matter. What will you do with life is now the question?

When life hands you lemons will you make lemonade, Mikes Hard, or squirt yourself in the eyes? No one can control what you do with what life hands you except for you. So let's live this life anew everyday and see what you can do for handy work.:)