Me.

So many options... only one decision. What to do, what to do? I can get guidance but ultimately it’s up to me what I do. I’m the one responsible for me. I am my own. I am my sun, I am my rain. I am my biggest enemy and my best friend. I tear myself down and I build myself up. I have to live with myself at the end of the day. If I want your opinion, I’ll ask. I worry about me because I understand that at the end of the day, it’s me who decides what I do and when. I understand that at the end of this life – I’ll look back at what I did and didn’t do; what I said or didn’t say, but I won’t be pointing my finger at you. You should worry about you and don’t be concerned with me. You aren’t responsible for me; I don’t report to you, I don’t even really like you to be honest. You put your nose where it doesn’t belong and then wonder why I don’t give you the time of day? I don’t think so. Think what you want about me, judge me how you want, but at the end of the day your opinion doesn’t mean anything to me. You don’t define me. I do. I render you powerless. I call your bluff. What now? I decide. Me.

My heart is heavy and the days are long.

My heart is heavy, the days are long and my eyes are weary. I grow tired of growing old so fast. No rest for the wicked seems to be the truest statement of these days. I’ve exhausted all that I once had and now I don’t know what I’m left with. After the shaking, there’s always a settling. Leave time to find out what’s left, what’s whole, what’s trash… I will be thankful for that which remains. I will be thankful for that which remains. That which remains will not be breakable or shakable. It cannot be left. That which remains is just that… It will stand fast, it will be steadfast; it will be.

Stone cold silence surrounds me. Anger burns in their eyes, oh how the anger burns. It penetrates into my soul and I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure how to handle it. I’m immediately taken back to when I was a child and my confrontation issues. It always horrified me. You’ll leave when you’re angry and I don’t know if you’ll come back. I don’t want to be alone again…. Too many times, I had my Everything walk away and I refuse to give a second chance for that to happen. So I stay distant, because I don’t trust well; not after something so traumatic. Eventually people reach their breaking point, and I never know which mistake will cause you to reach yours with me. I try to stay perfect, but deep inside I know that’s not who I am.

Look. Look at yourself. What do you see? I see a girl. I see a girl who is broken and confused. She tries with all her might to put herself together and make it through a day. Day after day, it’s a battle. It’s a battle she just can’t seem to win. I see a girl who tries so hard to be there for everybody else but is never there for herself. I see a girl who is fragile. I see a girl made of glass, terrified to let anyone know because she doesn’t want to be broken again…

December 7th

I find myself quite upset tonight. For reasons known. I'm upset because I have allowed people to walk in and out of my life. I'm upset because we have lost our culture. I'm upset because people don't know what they really want in and out of life. Indecision and uncertainty has a huge part to play in how we act and what we do. I'm upset because society as a whole has become so apathetic. I'm guilty of that. Getting better, but guilty nonetheless. I know in my personal journey, I've used apathy as a tool to protect myself. I've used it as a coping method. The funny thing is though, it never really helped. The hurt was still there. It just made me appear to be something and a way I was not and am not. I'm upset because men and women are no more. Society has allowed men to become women and vice versa. I mean this, both literally and figuratively. Now, the sad truth is, someone like me comes along and wonders what is what and gets terribly confused. I don't know what a 'woman' really is. What I do know, is what a woman is not.

I'm in a situation tonight that really sucks. It's out of my control and it's not what I consider to be wise, but what does a 20 year old know, right? Wrong. I know an awful lot. And I know wrong when I see it. I don't just dislike this situation because I don't like it. There's string attached. And I see what this one decision has the potential to affect. This could be the tip of the iceberg. If that is the case it is very possible and plausible that many people I know and love will be making decisions that are not in their best interest. If THAT happens, then I have no choice but to no longer walk on the same path as them. This. This is heartbreak, my friends. Now, I am hopeful that does not happen. However, one thing I do understand is cause and effect.

I'm not going to write a lot tonight because, honestly, I'm tired. I've had a long week, I've had a long day, my eyes are tired from crying. I would like to know though, how many good people do we have to lose before we make a change? How bad do things have to get before we decide to do something different? We keep trying the same stuff and it isn't working. Let's address this, come up with solutions and try something new. Better yet, let's BE something new. I don't want to be what's out there. I've been around and I've seen a lot of things and I'll be honest with you. Most of it is crap. I'm better than that. I'm better than what's out there because I push myself to be and because I strive to be something else. I hope that someone can remind me when I'm hard on myself that it's because I care about myself more than most care about themselves. I'm not settling here. It's not ok with me and I'm sick of the same  things. I don't want to be the person I was five years ago, and thank god that I'm not. I have a lot to learn about myself. But one thing I do know, is I don't give up, and I don't let go. I'm hard headed, I'm stubborn, and I want something better than what is currently being offered for myself and those that will come from me. I'm standing up. I'm doing something. It's very apparent to me that to continue doing nothing, doesn't work.

"In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." - Theodore Roosevelt

Make a Change.

I've been looking and watching. A lot. Like I usually do, but this time I'm looking for something different. I used to look and see what was wrong because ultimately, that's what I was looking for. Now, I look for what is right. I don't care what's wrong. There are a thousand things that are 'wrong' but only one is right. One of the statements that my dad says to me a lot is "You're looking in the wrong place for the wrong thing." This is truth. I have been looking for the wrong things in the wrong places and ended up worse than where I started.

I got sick of being in the same place. I got sick of feeling like I was treading water and wasn't going anywhere. Of course the reason I felt that way, is because I WASN'T going anywhere. I was doing a whole lot of splashing in the shallow end of the pool. I decided this was not ok with me. I wanted to be something different.

Have I fully succeeded in being where I want to be? No. But I do feel as though I'm more on my way than I was. It took me realizing where I was at, not liking it and making a choice. I have to first embrace where I am before I can change.

Thankfully for me, I have a dad that is honest with me. He doesn't love me because he has to but because he wants to. For that reason, he can say the hard things to me and tell me what he sees and it makes a lasting impression. When I take the time to see what he sees from his perspective, I find him right. I find him truth. I find that through him, I can make a change. The thing that people don't realize is that they are exactly where they want to be. If they really wanted to be somewhere else, they would have the gumption to do so. I am being honest with myself, facing where I am, and doing something different so I can make a change and be who and where I want to be. If you want to make a change, I suggest you do the same.

I'm not who I used to be...

I saw an old friend today. We drifted apart a few years ago, for reasons not needed to be mentioned. When I heard I was going to see him my heart ached. It ached because I was sad about what we lost, about the fact that I realized I know longer know this man. Not like I once did. He has changed, and so have I. I saw him, and hugged him; happy for his new life, new wife and hopefully new eyes. All I could think was 'I promise, I'm not who I used to be. I'm not who I was or in the same place as the last time I saw you.' I think he saw this to be truth. I understand the cycle of life. I understand that people drift apart and closer together at different times of their life. I understand hellos and goodbyes. I've experienced more than my fair share. Ok - short story - I was with some ladies this weekend and today was the day to return back home. I heard several times 'I hate goodbyes.' but why do we always look at it as a goodbye? I've moved many a time and I've met many a people. Whether I talk to those people who mean a lot to me or not, I carry them with me. I carry them in my heart. When I part from someone's presence I don't think of it as goodbye. I recognize the imprint they have had on my life. They will always be there. Ok, back to my story... Where was I? Oh yes, cycle of life - this I understand. I have no resentment towards this old friend. I wish only the best for him and his new life. I understand that sometimes with love, you have to do what's best for the other party even if that means you're not a part of that. Or you don't FEEL a part of it. I can tell you this - I know I played a part in this mans life. For better or worse. I would like to think for better but as I admitted previously, I'm not the same person I was. I'm better now. Much better.

I went into that to really segue into something else. I'm going to do something that I generally feel very uncomfortable doing - talking about myself. And I'm doing this while listening to "Less than Perfect" (ok, if you go to listen to the song... Listen to clean version.) how fitting. I am going to tell you what I have learned about myself this year. It's been in my spirit to do for a while but I am finally doing it. Here goes...

I like big and bold things. I like color. I like to play the piano, though I am still getting the hang of it. I like cows and the mountains and the oh so sweet smell of Vermont. I like freshwater and would rather streams, lakes and ponds than the ocean - at least at this point. I like giving, I like feeling like I make a difference, I like feeling like I have something good to say. I don't like being impatient and I don't like the possibility of sounding rude. I like to give people the ability and to want to say good things about me, not because I want to be amazing, but because I want people to see that I AM that way. Because I am. I like playing with the big dogs. I like getting excited about small and simple pleasures. Sometimes I even like reminiscing. I'll find out soon if I like pottery but I'm thinking I will. I'm confident, I'm smart, I'm funny and god am I gorgeous.:) Yes, I realize this all sounds so vain, but if you knew me like I know me - you would realize I'm right. I fight, I stand, and I love a challenge. I've learned that I don't cry - I ball my eyes out. I'm going to stay on this for a second... I'm a very hard person and for a long time I confused this with being cold.. I thought that the only way to be 'tough' was to take a beating and turn the other cheek. And I did just that. For a really, REALLY long time. I thought that to be tough and hard and strong I had to stay unaffected. Any time I cried, it was an extremely unpleasant experience. If I cried I was weak. Gosh, what a girl! Well, that just isn't okay. What can girls do? They just cry and whine and everyone knows they can't throw. They spend way too much time daydreaming and fantasizing. They talk A LOT. They giggle and they're silly and they dress up and make you have tea parties with them. They take a lot of love and attention. No wonder I didn't want to be one! If I cried, there was hell to pay - literally. For a long time, I said "I don't cry." It's taken quite a bit on my part but for the last oh, say six months anyway, (ok really... Since its now September it's been like 9 or 10 months) every time I turn around I've been balling my eyes out. I don't just mean cry, I mean like torrential downpour coming from my eyes. Ever heard the song 'This is the Story of a Girl'? If not its ok. The chorus says "This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole wold." Yeah. That sounds about right. But I've found that you can cry, or in my case just about sob, and still be strong. You can be vulnerable, and still be strong. At least, I can be. And if you don't believe me.. Just get on the rugby field with me.:)

Gosh! I feel like I've written a Paige. (ha!) But I'm not done yet.. Hang with me. I hope I'm not boring you and if I am, oh well, this is important stuff.

I met the SWEETEST girl this weekend. She came up to me and said "Every time I see you, I just want to smile." along with several other very kind things. Now, please understand, I didn't think poorly of myself before she said these things, but to have someone I just met say such things about me and most importantly TO me, was truly a breath of fresh air. I had no thoughts of her saying this just to be nice, or because of any ulterior motives, and I didn't have to hear it from someone else. I didn't have to hear it third party, but it came straight from the source. I think that touched me more than anything else this weekend. The fact that I met this young woman and she was brave enough and bold enough to say 'this is what I see in you.' I wish there were more people like that in this world.

I know this has kind of been a smorgasbord of thoughts but that's ok. My thoughts, like myself, are fluid and moving and ever changing. I want to end with this - if you know me and are reading this... Take another look. If you're reading this and don't know me, don't be quick to judge. You cannot know me by reading what I post, although I do post some personal things. What I share and what I do is not who I am. This post, while you're reading it, isn't so you can get to know me. It's so I can release me. It's so I can declare something about who and what I am. It's so I can sit here on and airplane and realize that I haven't want a gryphon tattooed on my ribs just because they're freaking awesome mythical creatures but because they speak to my character and my nature. Because inside of me, is a gryphon. Because inside of me is a woman that has all of those characteristics. And that woman is coming forth.

25 Years

This weekend a House celebrated the labors and fruits of one man. That man completed 25 years of ministry in Rutland VT. That man is one of the reasons I am who I am. Yesterday someone started a sentence with "25 years ago I was....." and I thought to myself "25 years ago I was not. 25 years ago, no one had me on their grid. But... In 25 years...."

25 years is longer than I've been alive. There are very few things I have been doing for that long so I have great respect when someone has chosen a path and walked it for that long. 25 years, is a quarter of a century, and while that sounds like a really long time, it passes in the blink of an eye.

As I sat yesterday morning, I thought of some of the people I've met along the way. Some of those, decided to walk a different path, some continued. And then, I looked at the man I was there to honor. And I thought of all those people and thought "I'm one I the lucky ones. I have the honor and privilege to walk with a man. I have the honor and privilege to have this man in my life. And for that I am so extremely thankful."

I'm not writing this to commemorate a celebration held this weekend. I'm writing this because to not share my thoughts with however many or few read this, would be a shame. I'm writing this because I was there, and you may not have been. I'm writing this because the man I want to honored this weekend - and hope I honor everyday - deserves to be written about. He is worth my time. And he is worth so much more than one blog post.

I love you, Apostle.

Great Potential

I've known a lot of people with some pretty great potential... Sadly, that was all it ever was. Potential. They didn't do anything with the resources they had. 'Woe is me' didn't get them where they needed to go. They stopped short of the goal, if they were even ran they race at all. I don't want to be one of those people. I want to be something. No, I want to DO something. Those are two very different things. I have this desire to feel like everyday I do something productive. Some nights I go to bed a little less satisfied than others. For a while I thought it was just because I like the feeling of "Look what I did." and while this is true, it's not the sole reason.

I keep thinking that if I do a little more and try a little harder it will get me where I want to go. And in the end, it doesn't. There's always something else I could have or should have done. I always could have tried a little harder. There's always something I could have done better or put more effort in to. All I have to show for 20 years of 'trying harder' is being really tired. What kind of potential is that? Not very self-satisfactory I can tell you that much. For twenty years it's been "but maybe one day...." but 'one day' never quite seems to be this day, or the next day.

I want to feel like its enough, but there's always two more phases to be done. There's always one more step to take, one more word to say. Just one more. One more thing to do before that potential is made manifest. So much of the time I feel so far from that potential made manifest because I don't even know where to start. I don't know where I'm trying to go or where I'm starting from. All I know is I don't want to end up in the same place I start.

I'm twenty years in to this thing we call life. Some days are better than others, but on those not so good days, I feel like I'm worse off than when I started. I've been through a lot, and most of it has just caused more confusion than anything. I don't know why I do half the things I do anymore. I just go through my oh so routine days and hope that maybe at some point, something, somewhere along the way will break. I hope that at some point I'll figure what I'm trying to do and who I'm supposed to be. Maybe somewhere along the way someone will give me more than 'be yourself' because that is so ridiculously stupid to say to someone who doesn't know who they are. Maybe at some point, I'll take whatever potential I have, and do something with it and make it more than just 'great potential.'