December 7th

I find myself quite upset tonight. For reasons known. I'm upset because I have allowed people to walk in and out of my life. I'm upset because we have lost our culture. I'm upset because people don't know what they really want in and out of life. Indecision and uncertainty has a huge part to play in how we act and what we do. I'm upset because society as a whole has become so apathetic. I'm guilty of that. Getting better, but guilty nonetheless. I know in my personal journey, I've used apathy as a tool to protect myself. I've used it as a coping method. The funny thing is though, it never really helped. The hurt was still there. It just made me appear to be something and a way I was not and am not. I'm upset because men and women are no more. Society has allowed men to become women and vice versa. I mean this, both literally and figuratively. Now, the sad truth is, someone like me comes along and wonders what is what and gets terribly confused. I don't know what a 'woman' really is. What I do know, is what a woman is not.

I'm in a situation tonight that really sucks. It's out of my control and it's not what I consider to be wise, but what does a 20 year old know, right? Wrong. I know an awful lot. And I know wrong when I see it. I don't just dislike this situation because I don't like it. There's string attached. And I see what this one decision has the potential to affect. This could be the tip of the iceberg. If that is the case it is very possible and plausible that many people I know and love will be making decisions that are not in their best interest. If THAT happens, then I have no choice but to no longer walk on the same path as them. This. This is heartbreak, my friends. Now, I am hopeful that does not happen. However, one thing I do understand is cause and effect.

I'm not going to write a lot tonight because, honestly, I'm tired. I've had a long week, I've had a long day, my eyes are tired from crying. I would like to know though, how many good people do we have to lose before we make a change? How bad do things have to get before we decide to do something different? We keep trying the same stuff and it isn't working. Let's address this, come up with solutions and try something new. Better yet, let's BE something new. I don't want to be what's out there. I've been around and I've seen a lot of things and I'll be honest with you. Most of it is crap. I'm better than that. I'm better than what's out there because I push myself to be and because I strive to be something else. I hope that someone can remind me when I'm hard on myself that it's because I care about myself more than most care about themselves. I'm not settling here. It's not ok with me and I'm sick of the same  things. I don't want to be the person I was five years ago, and thank god that I'm not. I have a lot to learn about myself. But one thing I do know, is I don't give up, and I don't let go. I'm hard headed, I'm stubborn, and I want something better than what is currently being offered for myself and those that will come from me. I'm standing up. I'm doing something. It's very apparent to me that to continue doing nothing, doesn't work.

"In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." - Theodore Roosevelt