Story Time

So this blog is a little different than normal but it's what I came up with last night. I hope it moves or touches you somehow. Here goes:




Tonight, I give you a story.

There was a girl, so overwhelmed with pain, anger and agony that she hid inside herself, so no one else could see. She always made sure to wear her big girl pants. Be prepared for the worst and forget the best. She never expected or wanted much as her way of avoiding disappointment. She coped in the only way she knew how. She froze her heart, she froze her feelings, her emotions. She made sure they were cold to the world, and cold to herself. She was hard on the world because she was hard on herself. She didn't let up and didn't quit. As she grew older, she grew colder. She was beautiful on the outside but she resented everything she stood for inside. She resented where she came from, what she overcame, and most importantly, who she was. She thought no good could possibly come from her and all she did was hurt those around her. She wanted so much more. 


She looked and looked and finally one day, she found a man. Day by day, piece by piece, this man melted away the ice from her heart. She tried to fight it, but sure enough the man was bigger, tougher, stronger, and more stubborn than she. It took everything inside her to let the man get to the core of her being. Just to let him look. And so, the ice slowly melted away and warmth began to set in. The heart was so sensitive it hurt to touch. The trouble is now she has to make sure it never freezes back over. So far so good. She cries sometimes, but still doesn't like to admit it. She understands she can play pretend but chooses not to instead. She feels love inside. But if you meet this young lady, don't be mistaken; her heart is in it's place. If she seems cold it's only because she has to, not because she wants to. She's found a place of peace and joy. She sees who and what she once was and doesn't want to ever return. Even if that is the easier way. She's up for a challenge. So if you meet her, all she wants is for you to join her. 

One big QUESTION MARK

If I could portray how I feel in any way I wanted to, I would use a blank piece of paper. That's how I feel. Not empty. Blank. I think that's any important thing to clarify. I feel like that's kind of ironic given that my name is Paige, but we'll leave that alone for now. It seems like I have all sorts of options and directions I CAN go... but to can go is not the question. I will go. It's just a matter of where I will go. And at this point, I honestly have no freaking clue as to where that is. I've wanted to do and see all sorts of things. Now... the thought of it just saddens me. I feel like when I was nine I had a better idea of a direction to go. I wanted to be a veterinarian. The one thing I knew I loved was animals. I had my mind set on that for years. I wasn't one of those kids who wanted to have 15 different jobs by the time they were ten. I just wanted to be a vet. As I've 'grown-up' I've gotten more and more clueless. It reminds me of the song "All Star" by Smash Mouth. The line that has caught my attention lately is "Your brain gets smart but your head gets dumb." That about sums up how I feel. 

I was talking to a co-worker this week and he had asked me if I was going to school this fall. My response? "No, I'm to cool for school." While we all know, that is partially true, that's really not why. I can't rationalize in my head going to school to get an education in something that I have no idea what I'd want an education in. I don't feel like wasting my time and money for a thing that seems so full of nonsense. That's just my choice though. I am still young. People keep telling me that I still have time. That's not really what I'm looking at though. It's not that I feel like I don't have time. I just feel like I'm rather directionless right now. Who knows... maybe I'll just end up like the wind. I go where I go and I turn when I want to turn. Hah. Just sounds a little bit like a vagabond if you ask me. I'll figure it out... Otherwise I'll go nuts. 

Lazy? Or just incompetent?

Last time I blogged, I left you with a question. "What do you think is the difference between elegance and ugly?" My dad's answer: there is none. Mine? Price. Oh, and of course a name. It's amazing what one can charge just because of the name on a thing. Just something to think on...

Anyway, topic of the day - LAZINESS. It's no surprise that people in this day and age are lazy. They have a thought of entitlement. In that state of mind they think "I don't have to do it. Someone else will clean up after me." It drives me nuts. Not doing a very simple task means one of two things to me. 1.You're lazy, OR 2. You're incompetent. Neither of those come across as a good thing to me. It's quite frustrating to see people only operate in one of those two areas. Humans were never made to be THAT dumb. I guess it's one of those "actions speak louder than words" kinda moments. I can know a person is smarter than that - and they can SAY they are smarter than that, but they never actuate being smart. Now that's trouble. The sad thing is I don't think I know which is worse. I almost think I'd rather be incompetent than lazy. Laziness says something about the kind of person you are. It says something about the kind of character you have. It says.... that you suck. I don't like laziness. It's like a contagious disease. I'm not down for it. I don't want it; don't need it. I've gotten this far without it and don't want to risk anything for it. I hope you feel the same. And if you're unfortunate enough to already have it.... get some medicine.

Life

Umm, so I have no idea what to blog about. Then again I don't really have much of any idea about anything lately. I don't really know where I'm headed or what I want to do. When I was little I wanted to be a vet when I grew up... and now, I'm basically "grown up" and have not a clue as to what I want to do. I just want to be. I'm thankful to be alive and for everyday that Im given. Why do I have to make a choice? Why do people want me to limit myself? I just want to be... whatever I will be. I feel like so much of the time people are saying "do something with your life" and yet they don't realize - I am. The worst part is their doubt in me, causes me to doubt myself. I should be able to live my life without question. I've always gotten irritated with people putting their nose in my business. And I finally figured out why - IT'S MY LIFE. Not yours. So ask if you want, but if I don't know then leave it alone. If you want me to do something, then I think you should've done it yourself. It's not my job to allow you to live vicariously through me. It's my job to allow me to live vicariously through myself.

I know this whole thing probably sounds really selfish but somethings gotta give. I've lived a huge part of my life trying to please other people. In the end no one was happy. That's how I got to where I am today and with the perspective I have today. I'm not the kind of person who will do anything to anyone to get what I want. That's just messed. But I will live for myself. I will do what I think is right. I will do what is hard. I will do what is needed and I will pick up an empty pack of cigarettes when no one is looking because it drives me nuts to see them chilling on the ground. We make a statement about ourselves everyday. And I think we need to take that statement making serious. As people, we make things a habit and don't think about it. I've forced myself to think about it. I've forced myself to pause and make a conscientious effort to realize what I'm doing and the statement it makes about the kind of person I am. I guess I really did have something to talk about. :)

Thought for next time - what's the difference between elegance and ugly?

Are You Serious?

Our society as a whole has gotten me so mad lately. Are you guys serious? Obama wants to raise the debt ceiling... sure I understand that 'we need to' but why? Because people want to put it off for my generation to deal with? Thanks guys... Can't people just take responsibility for what they do? I mean, I'm a female and I'm man enough to do that. We have whole generations that put off what they did onto another generation - AND THEN wonder why we have a bunch of 20 year olds who flip off the world. Common sense is needed here. I'm not saying that my generation is justified but can you really blame them? If someone tried it with you, what would you do? Honestly? I guess it just comes down to this... you're crap smells too. I get so sick and tired of this whole "well I'm older so I'm better" mentality. NO YOU'RE NOT. YOU'RE CLOSER TO DEATH. I'm not saying that young people don't die. They do. But overall life expectancy is in the 70s. You do the math.

Now I know this one will offend but I don't mean it to...  What in the world is up with this country and football?? Is it because it takes most people back to the 'good ole days' of high school and college? Is it because we don't feel like actually throwing a ball ourselves? Wouldn't that be just too much exercise... I mean let's face it - if this country got rid of the NFL so many people would be unhappy. Why do we let such a thing control us? I'm sorry, but I think it's stupid. I mean I don't like football anyway but that's beside the point. I think it's ridiculous that we are that involved in a thing that doesn't care about us. I know for me... fantasy football comes around and I dread it. Most people can't wait from the time the Superbowl is won until the first football game of the season. Me? The Superbowl is won and I say "THANK GOD IT'S OVER!!" The only reason I even watch the Superbowl is the commercials. I like advertising and marketing. That's my thing right there.

Ultimately I just think this society can't be serious. Really guys? Can't we get it together? And once we do... can't we keep it together? For once. Wanna talk about making a change in the world. I think I just found the answer.