Break what I can.

As it's my parents anniversary, I came home from work today and thought "I'll do some cleaning to help them out." Check the sink, clean the dirty dishes - step one done.

Onto the bathroom. I have now wiped down part of the shower and decide to turn on the shower to help aid the rinsing of cleaning products. EASY! Until... I begin playing around with one of the shower heads to angle it better for said rinsing. SNAP! :( There goes the one of the shower heads. Oh, but even better there is still cleaning residue in the shower. Well, I'll be.

I look at the shower head and assess its brokenness. Yup, as I thought. It's broke, broken. So, I text my dad to let him know. Continuing on my way I finish rinsing the residue and move to the toilet. Get some spray, take the toilet brush, let's go! I'm using the toilet brush and scrubbing. All of a sudden what do you suppose I hear? CRACK! Ugh, there goes the handle....

With the shower head already in the sink I toss in the now broken toilet brush as well, snap a picture with my phone and off to my dad it goes. At this point, I cannot help but laugh. The "oh crap" feeling has left my body and mind allowing "I can't believe this." to set in. Laughing to myself I think "what's next?" And my dad wonders the same thing. I inform him that I will let him know when it happens.

After fixing my previous breakings, I go to turn on our electric water heater (basically an electric kettle). But to my dismay, the button was already pushed down and the light isn't on. Well, that's odd... So I flick the button up and back down. Still nothing. Damn, not again... I open the top and sniff. Smells like something is burning. Yup, another thing is broken.

"Dad, just so ya know, this is broke too." Three things broken. One day. Well, that was successful.

My perspective started as "You have got to be kidding me." and ended with the same statement. The first far worse than the last. The more it happened the more it became like a joke to me. I wasn't trying to break anything, but if it's breakable I guess the best thing is for it to be broke. And that's just what I did. So yes, my day was successful. How was yours?

My favorite side?

"What's your favorite side of yourself?"

"My rugby side." I answer quickly but softly.

"Why?"

"Because... That side is the side that runs off the pain. It tackles off the anger. It "shows" the strength that the other sides don't. It's the most rugged, roughest side." As I say these words I realize it's not necessarily a good thing. Depending on what perspective you have, it could also be the most hurtful side. It could be the scariest; the most intimidating.

I think about the people at work, people I know from rugby, and from school. I start wondering who knew what side of me. Who knew multiple sides?

Let's start with work - the overall happy but a little frazzled and usually overwhelmed Paige.

Rugby - we already addressed so I'll spare you this time.:)

School - the artsy, creative "I'm on a mission" Paige.

Home - I usually don't wanna talk about it. Whatever that IT may be. I have bigger concerns.

You get the picture. Up until today, if somebody had asked me "where would you like me to see you?" I would have said the rugby field. Now, I'm not so sure. I don't see this uncertainty as insecurity. I see it as a reevaluation. Reevaluations are good.

Back again?

It's been a while since I've posted anything. Been a little  all over the place since then. Literally, emotionally, whatever. I went down to Florida and back, Rhode Island and back. It's not been easy lately. Sometimes I feel like it never is easy, but in the same breath I'll feel like I don't have it hard enough. I guess really it's all a matter of perspective. Seems like my perspective is almost always "I can do more." and it's trouble. I put more on myself than I need to or want to. I overwhelm myself. Everybody wants to feel important, right?
I used to think I tried to do so much to please my parents. Convince them I was "good enough". Somewhere along the way I realized it's because I'm still trying to convince myself that I'm good enough. And to think all this time, I thought it would work. I'm nineteen years old. And I feel like no matter how much I do or accomplish before I depart from this earth, it just won't be enough. It's one thing to think you  won't be enough for someone else. It's completely different to think you won't be enough for yourself. It's not a very fun thought.
I'll do a lot in my life. No matter how long or short it is. I guess all I can do is take it one day at a time, be thankful for what I have and who I am in any given moment.

I, like any one, have my good days and my bad days. My ups and my downs. It's strange because as I've gotten older my ups and downs have come closer together. You'd think it'd be just the opposite... One day will be just ok, the next great, and the next I don't want to deal with anything at all. And so the cycle goes.
I struggle with something one day, have it all figured out the next and it's back to a problem the day after. I haven't figured it out. I don't understand and it doesn't make sense to me. Today's a day where I don't want to have to deal with anything or anyone. It's more than just "I have a bad case of the Mondays."
Of course if I were to be writing this tomorrow that wouldn't be the case. How cruel life can be haha. I know it's just the way I'm looking at things. I just don't know why I'm back to this place. I feel like I'm just going around in circles and not really making any ground forward. It does me no good.
I guess I'm done for today. I'll write again when I'm in a better place. I guess old habits really do die hard.