December 7th

I find myself quite upset tonight. For reasons known. I'm upset because I have allowed people to walk in and out of my life. I'm upset because we have lost our culture. I'm upset because people don't know what they really want in and out of life. Indecision and uncertainty has a huge part to play in how we act and what we do. I'm upset because society as a whole has become so apathetic. I'm guilty of that. Getting better, but guilty nonetheless. I know in my personal journey, I've used apathy as a tool to protect myself. I've used it as a coping method. The funny thing is though, it never really helped. The hurt was still there. It just made me appear to be something and a way I was not and am not. I'm upset because men and women are no more. Society has allowed men to become women and vice versa. I mean this, both literally and figuratively. Now, the sad truth is, someone like me comes along and wonders what is what and gets terribly confused. I don't know what a 'woman' really is. What I do know, is what a woman is not.

I'm in a situation tonight that really sucks. It's out of my control and it's not what I consider to be wise, but what does a 20 year old know, right? Wrong. I know an awful lot. And I know wrong when I see it. I don't just dislike this situation because I don't like it. There's string attached. And I see what this one decision has the potential to affect. This could be the tip of the iceberg. If that is the case it is very possible and plausible that many people I know and love will be making decisions that are not in their best interest. If THAT happens, then I have no choice but to no longer walk on the same path as them. This. This is heartbreak, my friends. Now, I am hopeful that does not happen. However, one thing I do understand is cause and effect.

I'm not going to write a lot tonight because, honestly, I'm tired. I've had a long week, I've had a long day, my eyes are tired from crying. I would like to know though, how many good people do we have to lose before we make a change? How bad do things have to get before we decide to do something different? We keep trying the same stuff and it isn't working. Let's address this, come up with solutions and try something new. Better yet, let's BE something new. I don't want to be what's out there. I've been around and I've seen a lot of things and I'll be honest with you. Most of it is crap. I'm better than that. I'm better than what's out there because I push myself to be and because I strive to be something else. I hope that someone can remind me when I'm hard on myself that it's because I care about myself more than most care about themselves. I'm not settling here. It's not ok with me and I'm sick of the same  things. I don't want to be the person I was five years ago, and thank god that I'm not. I have a lot to learn about myself. But one thing I do know, is I don't give up, and I don't let go. I'm hard headed, I'm stubborn, and I want something better than what is currently being offered for myself and those that will come from me. I'm standing up. I'm doing something. It's very apparent to me that to continue doing nothing, doesn't work.

"In any moment of decision the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing." - Theodore Roosevelt

Make a Change.

I've been looking and watching. A lot. Like I usually do, but this time I'm looking for something different. I used to look and see what was wrong because ultimately, that's what I was looking for. Now, I look for what is right. I don't care what's wrong. There are a thousand things that are 'wrong' but only one is right. One of the statements that my dad says to me a lot is "You're looking in the wrong place for the wrong thing." This is truth. I have been looking for the wrong things in the wrong places and ended up worse than where I started.

I got sick of being in the same place. I got sick of feeling like I was treading water and wasn't going anywhere. Of course the reason I felt that way, is because I WASN'T going anywhere. I was doing a whole lot of splashing in the shallow end of the pool. I decided this was not ok with me. I wanted to be something different.

Have I fully succeeded in being where I want to be? No. But I do feel as though I'm more on my way than I was. It took me realizing where I was at, not liking it and making a choice. I have to first embrace where I am before I can change.

Thankfully for me, I have a dad that is honest with me. He doesn't love me because he has to but because he wants to. For that reason, he can say the hard things to me and tell me what he sees and it makes a lasting impression. When I take the time to see what he sees from his perspective, I find him right. I find him truth. I find that through him, I can make a change. The thing that people don't realize is that they are exactly where they want to be. If they really wanted to be somewhere else, they would have the gumption to do so. I am being honest with myself, facing where I am, and doing something different so I can make a change and be who and where I want to be. If you want to make a change, I suggest you do the same.

I'm not who I used to be...

I saw an old friend today. We drifted apart a few years ago, for reasons not needed to be mentioned. When I heard I was going to see him my heart ached. It ached because I was sad about what we lost, about the fact that I realized I know longer know this man. Not like I once did. He has changed, and so have I. I saw him, and hugged him; happy for his new life, new wife and hopefully new eyes. All I could think was 'I promise, I'm not who I used to be. I'm not who I was or in the same place as the last time I saw you.' I think he saw this to be truth. I understand the cycle of life. I understand that people drift apart and closer together at different times of their life. I understand hellos and goodbyes. I've experienced more than my fair share. Ok - short story - I was with some ladies this weekend and today was the day to return back home. I heard several times 'I hate goodbyes.' but why do we always look at it as a goodbye? I've moved many a time and I've met many a people. Whether I talk to those people who mean a lot to me or not, I carry them with me. I carry them in my heart. When I part from someone's presence I don't think of it as goodbye. I recognize the imprint they have had on my life. They will always be there. Ok, back to my story... Where was I? Oh yes, cycle of life - this I understand. I have no resentment towards this old friend. I wish only the best for him and his new life. I understand that sometimes with love, you have to do what's best for the other party even if that means you're not a part of that. Or you don't FEEL a part of it. I can tell you this - I know I played a part in this mans life. For better or worse. I would like to think for better but as I admitted previously, I'm not the same person I was. I'm better now. Much better.

I went into that to really segue into something else. I'm going to do something that I generally feel very uncomfortable doing - talking about myself. And I'm doing this while listening to "Less than Perfect" (ok, if you go to listen to the song... Listen to clean version.) how fitting. I am going to tell you what I have learned about myself this year. It's been in my spirit to do for a while but I am finally doing it. Here goes...

I like big and bold things. I like color. I like to play the piano, though I am still getting the hang of it. I like cows and the mountains and the oh so sweet smell of Vermont. I like freshwater and would rather streams, lakes and ponds than the ocean - at least at this point. I like giving, I like feeling like I make a difference, I like feeling like I have something good to say. I don't like being impatient and I don't like the possibility of sounding rude. I like to give people the ability and to want to say good things about me, not because I want to be amazing, but because I want people to see that I AM that way. Because I am. I like playing with the big dogs. I like getting excited about small and simple pleasures. Sometimes I even like reminiscing. I'll find out soon if I like pottery but I'm thinking I will. I'm confident, I'm smart, I'm funny and god am I gorgeous.:) Yes, I realize this all sounds so vain, but if you knew me like I know me - you would realize I'm right. I fight, I stand, and I love a challenge. I've learned that I don't cry - I ball my eyes out. I'm going to stay on this for a second... I'm a very hard person and for a long time I confused this with being cold.. I thought that the only way to be 'tough' was to take a beating and turn the other cheek. And I did just that. For a really, REALLY long time. I thought that to be tough and hard and strong I had to stay unaffected. Any time I cried, it was an extremely unpleasant experience. If I cried I was weak. Gosh, what a girl! Well, that just isn't okay. What can girls do? They just cry and whine and everyone knows they can't throw. They spend way too much time daydreaming and fantasizing. They talk A LOT. They giggle and they're silly and they dress up and make you have tea parties with them. They take a lot of love and attention. No wonder I didn't want to be one! If I cried, there was hell to pay - literally. For a long time, I said "I don't cry." It's taken quite a bit on my part but for the last oh, say six months anyway, (ok really... Since its now September it's been like 9 or 10 months) every time I turn around I've been balling my eyes out. I don't just mean cry, I mean like torrential downpour coming from my eyes. Ever heard the song 'This is the Story of a Girl'? If not its ok. The chorus says "This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole wold." Yeah. That sounds about right. But I've found that you can cry, or in my case just about sob, and still be strong. You can be vulnerable, and still be strong. At least, I can be. And if you don't believe me.. Just get on the rugby field with me.:)

Gosh! I feel like I've written a Paige. (ha!) But I'm not done yet.. Hang with me. I hope I'm not boring you and if I am, oh well, this is important stuff.

I met the SWEETEST girl this weekend. She came up to me and said "Every time I see you, I just want to smile." along with several other very kind things. Now, please understand, I didn't think poorly of myself before she said these things, but to have someone I just met say such things about me and most importantly TO me, was truly a breath of fresh air. I had no thoughts of her saying this just to be nice, or because of any ulterior motives, and I didn't have to hear it from someone else. I didn't have to hear it third party, but it came straight from the source. I think that touched me more than anything else this weekend. The fact that I met this young woman and she was brave enough and bold enough to say 'this is what I see in you.' I wish there were more people like that in this world.

I know this has kind of been a smorgasbord of thoughts but that's ok. My thoughts, like myself, are fluid and moving and ever changing. I want to end with this - if you know me and are reading this... Take another look. If you're reading this and don't know me, don't be quick to judge. You cannot know me by reading what I post, although I do post some personal things. What I share and what I do is not who I am. This post, while you're reading it, isn't so you can get to know me. It's so I can release me. It's so I can declare something about who and what I am. It's so I can sit here on and airplane and realize that I haven't want a gryphon tattooed on my ribs just because they're freaking awesome mythical creatures but because they speak to my character and my nature. Because inside of me, is a gryphon. Because inside of me is a woman that has all of those characteristics. And that woman is coming forth.

25 Years

This weekend a House celebrated the labors and fruits of one man. That man completed 25 years of ministry in Rutland VT. That man is one of the reasons I am who I am. Yesterday someone started a sentence with "25 years ago I was....." and I thought to myself "25 years ago I was not. 25 years ago, no one had me on their grid. But... In 25 years...."

25 years is longer than I've been alive. There are very few things I have been doing for that long so I have great respect when someone has chosen a path and walked it for that long. 25 years, is a quarter of a century, and while that sounds like a really long time, it passes in the blink of an eye.

As I sat yesterday morning, I thought of some of the people I've met along the way. Some of those, decided to walk a different path, some continued. And then, I looked at the man I was there to honor. And I thought of all those people and thought "I'm one I the lucky ones. I have the honor and privilege to walk with a man. I have the honor and privilege to have this man in my life. And for that I am so extremely thankful."

I'm not writing this to commemorate a celebration held this weekend. I'm writing this because to not share my thoughts with however many or few read this, would be a shame. I'm writing this because I was there, and you may not have been. I'm writing this because the man I want to honored this weekend - and hope I honor everyday - deserves to be written about. He is worth my time. And he is worth so much more than one blog post.

I love you, Apostle.

Great Potential

I've known a lot of people with some pretty great potential... Sadly, that was all it ever was. Potential. They didn't do anything with the resources they had. 'Woe is me' didn't get them where they needed to go. They stopped short of the goal, if they were even ran they race at all. I don't want to be one of those people. I want to be something. No, I want to DO something. Those are two very different things. I have this desire to feel like everyday I do something productive. Some nights I go to bed a little less satisfied than others. For a while I thought it was just because I like the feeling of "Look what I did." and while this is true, it's not the sole reason.

I keep thinking that if I do a little more and try a little harder it will get me where I want to go. And in the end, it doesn't. There's always something else I could have or should have done. I always could have tried a little harder. There's always something I could have done better or put more effort in to. All I have to show for 20 years of 'trying harder' is being really tired. What kind of potential is that? Not very self-satisfactory I can tell you that much. For twenty years it's been "but maybe one day...." but 'one day' never quite seems to be this day, or the next day.

I want to feel like its enough, but there's always two more phases to be done. There's always one more step to take, one more word to say. Just one more. One more thing to do before that potential is made manifest. So much of the time I feel so far from that potential made manifest because I don't even know where to start. I don't know where I'm trying to go or where I'm starting from. All I know is I don't want to end up in the same place I start.

I'm twenty years in to this thing we call life. Some days are better than others, but on those not so good days, I feel like I'm worse off than when I started. I've been through a lot, and most of it has just caused more confusion than anything. I don't know why I do half the things I do anymore. I just go through my oh so routine days and hope that maybe at some point, something, somewhere along the way will break. I hope that at some point I'll figure what I'm trying to do and who I'm supposed to be. Maybe somewhere along the way someone will give me more than 'be yourself' because that is so ridiculously stupid to say to someone who doesn't know who they are. Maybe at some point, I'll take whatever potential I have, and do something with it and make it more than just 'great potential.'

It's not mine.

Week one of house sitting down. Two more to go. This is the first time I've done this for this length of time. While I'm getting used to it, whenever I look around I still think "This isn't mine." and it causes questions for me. What if it was? How would it be different? Sometimes I know the answer, sometimes I don't. For one, I have a dog while I'm house sitting. Granted, Moose is back home but if I was on my own, he wouldn't be with me. And neither would Guri (she's the chocolate lab I'm watching) which would cause a little bit more free time rather than picking up all the things she chews up. -_-

I have some of my things with me but this is much different than being 'home.' Now, let me explain the reason for the quotes... See I moved around a lot as a kid. Rutland VT is the only place that's always been in my life dispite all the moving around. With that being said, Rutland is the only place I've ever really considered home. I use the term home loosely because home isn't always a place. Ultimately, my home needs to be in me; wherever I am.

Now where was I.... Oh yes, this is much different than home. It's different than home because at home, I know where everything is. I know how everything works. Ultimately, it's where I'm comfortable. I'm becoming more comfortable here, but it isn't... Me. It's someone else's place and someone else's stuff and this place says "Bethany" which is good! Because it's HER place.:)

On a related but seemingly different note... I'm currently watching Two and a Half Men. This episode is one after Charlie Sheen got kicked off the show and Aston Kutcher (Walden) replaced him. At this point in the show Walden has redecorated the place and if you notice the scenery, he has several different computer references which is very fitting to him and his job. Granted, there aren't so many swimming references in Bethany's house, I still have that feeling. I'm staying in this house, and some of my stuff is here but it's still not mine. Which is fine, it's not meant to be, but it does cause me to have appreciation for what is mine.

Well, I think that's about all I got for now. Hopefully it won't be so long in between blogs next time.

I'm back

It's been a long while. I wish I could say I've missed blogging but if I did, I wouldn't be 100% honest. I've wanted to a couple of times but all in all, I didn't want to. So I let it sit. I've been helping out with rugby and keeping busy as I do. It's strange, for as quickly as the past few months have gone I feel like I should have more to say, more that I accomplished in that time. Maybe it's just my need to feel like I've done something with myself somehow proving me okay. I feel like for as good with myself as I am, I still have so many issues I have to work out. I still have so far to go. Who knows, maybe the journey will go by quicker than expected. 

Man, when I thought about writing this blog it was so much more full and colorful in my head. Now, I've sat down at the computer to type it up and it's just not there. I can think of things happening in my life, lots of birthdays going on, a friend of mine is getting ready to move into a new apartment and preparing to start his life with his soon to be wife. I am so happy for them. I'm getting ready to take piano lessons. It's not like there aren't things going on in my life. They just seem so trivial to me right now, I guess. I sit here and think "Do I really want to blog about this?"

But then when I think about the 'deeper' side to life, it's all a blur to me. I just don't know. I never seem to know. It's just a pain. I would say that I have a lot of opinions but I don't know how true that is anymore. I understand color and I understand black and white but I don't understand grey. I feel like I'm constantly finding myself in yet another grey area. People ask me how my day is and by default I say good. If nothing extremely bad happened, I count that as a good day. I have my good moments and bad moments throughout EVERY day. What sets one apart from another?

Who's on first, what's on second and I seem to be the "I don't know" on third. (If you're reading this and don't know what I'm referring to... you're missing a great part of history.) I feel like my life is an Abbott and Costello skit of which I'm Costello, and it's not a skit. Well I guess I'm done for now. I'll be sure to post again soon. 

Let's Start 2012

Well, first off I'd like to say happy new year. Looks like the world didn't end.:) However, I will say this, when it struck midnight and I went to send a text and it didn't work I looked at my friend and said "Well we survived but my phones dead so maybe it really is the end of the world!" Now I'm not really that superficial but I'll certainly joke about it.

2012 - what say you? We are now in your territory, your year.

As 2012 approached, I really didn't think much of it. I was ready to welcome the new and get rid of the old, but aside from that I really haven't had any preconceived ideas. Now that I'm in this year though, I think that a lot of this year is about endings. I don't think that the Mayan calendar ending at this point had anything to do with the end of the world. I think it's incredible and says something about the people that they made it that far! I know I sure wouldn't. Are you kidding? No thanks. I'll pass on making a calendar that far out. My dad can hardly get me to make one for the next year.

Anyway, back to my point. The year of endings. I think that we (humanity) looks at endings from the wrong point of view. We look at what we are losing and not what we can gain from it. It's like asking if the glass is half full or half empty. The great thing about a half empty cup is you are now that much closer to being able to fill it with whatever you want. I don't know, maybe I'm just getting to a place where I can finally put a positive spin on almost anything but let me tell you, the world is so much more beautiful from this standpoint.

I made the statement to someone a few days ago: "I've been on both sides of the coin." And that statement is so true in my life. It seems as though every experience I've had, I've walked both sides. I've done the religious church thing and I've done the rebellious teenage thing. I've done the rugby thing and the professional thing. I've gone from one polar opposite to the next. I look back on, well what there is to look back on, and could I have been wiser? Absolutely. But everything has worked out for me - and really well. I still have my struggles but what 19 year old doesn't? And what do struggles matter when you walk in the favor of Yahweh?

We so look at the wrong thing in life. For one, we are looking at things and not people. We live in a place of assumption all the time. I told my dad recently, one of the greatest dangers in life is to think you know. That statement keeps coming up in me. I don't want to think I know. Either I know or I don't. It's really that black and white - that simple. Why over complicate?

In 2012 (I don't think; I know this) there will continue to be a lot of endings for me. With just as many endings as there will be in this next year, there will be that many beginnings. I embrace both because I understand that you cannot have one without the other.