I'm not who I used to be...

I saw an old friend today. We drifted apart a few years ago, for reasons not needed to be mentioned. When I heard I was going to see him my heart ached. It ached because I was sad about what we lost, about the fact that I realized I know longer know this man. Not like I once did. He has changed, and so have I. I saw him, and hugged him; happy for his new life, new wife and hopefully new eyes. All I could think was 'I promise, I'm not who I used to be. I'm not who I was or in the same place as the last time I saw you.' I think he saw this to be truth. I understand the cycle of life. I understand that people drift apart and closer together at different times of their life. I understand hellos and goodbyes. I've experienced more than my fair share. Ok - short story - I was with some ladies this weekend and today was the day to return back home. I heard several times 'I hate goodbyes.' but why do we always look at it as a goodbye? I've moved many a time and I've met many a people. Whether I talk to those people who mean a lot to me or not, I carry them with me. I carry them in my heart. When I part from someone's presence I don't think of it as goodbye. I recognize the imprint they have had on my life. They will always be there. Ok, back to my story... Where was I? Oh yes, cycle of life - this I understand. I have no resentment towards this old friend. I wish only the best for him and his new life. I understand that sometimes with love, you have to do what's best for the other party even if that means you're not a part of that. Or you don't FEEL a part of it. I can tell you this - I know I played a part in this mans life. For better or worse. I would like to think for better but as I admitted previously, I'm not the same person I was. I'm better now. Much better.

I went into that to really segue into something else. I'm going to do something that I generally feel very uncomfortable doing - talking about myself. And I'm doing this while listening to "Less than Perfect" (ok, if you go to listen to the song... Listen to clean version.) how fitting. I am going to tell you what I have learned about myself this year. It's been in my spirit to do for a while but I am finally doing it. Here goes...

I like big and bold things. I like color. I like to play the piano, though I am still getting the hang of it. I like cows and the mountains and the oh so sweet smell of Vermont. I like freshwater and would rather streams, lakes and ponds than the ocean - at least at this point. I like giving, I like feeling like I make a difference, I like feeling like I have something good to say. I don't like being impatient and I don't like the possibility of sounding rude. I like to give people the ability and to want to say good things about me, not because I want to be amazing, but because I want people to see that I AM that way. Because I am. I like playing with the big dogs. I like getting excited about small and simple pleasures. Sometimes I even like reminiscing. I'll find out soon if I like pottery but I'm thinking I will. I'm confident, I'm smart, I'm funny and god am I gorgeous.:) Yes, I realize this all sounds so vain, but if you knew me like I know me - you would realize I'm right. I fight, I stand, and I love a challenge. I've learned that I don't cry - I ball my eyes out. I'm going to stay on this for a second... I'm a very hard person and for a long time I confused this with being cold.. I thought that the only way to be 'tough' was to take a beating and turn the other cheek. And I did just that. For a really, REALLY long time. I thought that to be tough and hard and strong I had to stay unaffected. Any time I cried, it was an extremely unpleasant experience. If I cried I was weak. Gosh, what a girl! Well, that just isn't okay. What can girls do? They just cry and whine and everyone knows they can't throw. They spend way too much time daydreaming and fantasizing. They talk A LOT. They giggle and they're silly and they dress up and make you have tea parties with them. They take a lot of love and attention. No wonder I didn't want to be one! If I cried, there was hell to pay - literally. For a long time, I said "I don't cry." It's taken quite a bit on my part but for the last oh, say six months anyway, (ok really... Since its now September it's been like 9 or 10 months) every time I turn around I've been balling my eyes out. I don't just mean cry, I mean like torrential downpour coming from my eyes. Ever heard the song 'This is the Story of a Girl'? If not its ok. The chorus says "This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole wold." Yeah. That sounds about right. But I've found that you can cry, or in my case just about sob, and still be strong. You can be vulnerable, and still be strong. At least, I can be. And if you don't believe me.. Just get on the rugby field with me.:)

Gosh! I feel like I've written a Paige. (ha!) But I'm not done yet.. Hang with me. I hope I'm not boring you and if I am, oh well, this is important stuff.

I met the SWEETEST girl this weekend. She came up to me and said "Every time I see you, I just want to smile." along with several other very kind things. Now, please understand, I didn't think poorly of myself before she said these things, but to have someone I just met say such things about me and most importantly TO me, was truly a breath of fresh air. I had no thoughts of her saying this just to be nice, or because of any ulterior motives, and I didn't have to hear it from someone else. I didn't have to hear it third party, but it came straight from the source. I think that touched me more than anything else this weekend. The fact that I met this young woman and she was brave enough and bold enough to say 'this is what I see in you.' I wish there were more people like that in this world.

I know this has kind of been a smorgasbord of thoughts but that's ok. My thoughts, like myself, are fluid and moving and ever changing. I want to end with this - if you know me and are reading this... Take another look. If you're reading this and don't know me, don't be quick to judge. You cannot know me by reading what I post, although I do post some personal things. What I share and what I do is not who I am. This post, while you're reading it, isn't so you can get to know me. It's so I can release me. It's so I can declare something about who and what I am. It's so I can sit here on and airplane and realize that I haven't want a gryphon tattooed on my ribs just because they're freaking awesome mythical creatures but because they speak to my character and my nature. Because inside of me, is a gryphon. Because inside of me is a woman that has all of those characteristics. And that woman is coming forth.