Make a Change.

I've been looking and watching. A lot. Like I usually do, but this time I'm looking for something different. I used to look and see what was wrong because ultimately, that's what I was looking for. Now, I look for what is right. I don't care what's wrong. There are a thousand things that are 'wrong' but only one is right. One of the statements that my dad says to me a lot is "You're looking in the wrong place for the wrong thing." This is truth. I have been looking for the wrong things in the wrong places and ended up worse than where I started.

I got sick of being in the same place. I got sick of feeling like I was treading water and wasn't going anywhere. Of course the reason I felt that way, is because I WASN'T going anywhere. I was doing a whole lot of splashing in the shallow end of the pool. I decided this was not ok with me. I wanted to be something different.

Have I fully succeeded in being where I want to be? No. But I do feel as though I'm more on my way than I was. It took me realizing where I was at, not liking it and making a choice. I have to first embrace where I am before I can change.

Thankfully for me, I have a dad that is honest with me. He doesn't love me because he has to but because he wants to. For that reason, he can say the hard things to me and tell me what he sees and it makes a lasting impression. When I take the time to see what he sees from his perspective, I find him right. I find him truth. I find that through him, I can make a change. The thing that people don't realize is that they are exactly where they want to be. If they really wanted to be somewhere else, they would have the gumption to do so. I am being honest with myself, facing where I am, and doing something different so I can make a change and be who and where I want to be. If you want to make a change, I suggest you do the same.

To love and be loved

They say the greatest gift in the world is to love and be loved. "Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

The "to love" part, I get. Can't say I'm perfect at that part, but I understand it. I do love. I love life - usually; and I love those around me. I love those who have taken part in who I am today and have helped shape me into the woman I am now. There have been a lot of people in and out of my life. To say a hundred people have impacted me would be an understatement. I won't say that I remember ALL of them. But I remember a good majority.

I remember the young man who drew me a picture before I moved to VT.:) Thank you Gorge. While I'm sure you're not reading this I don't think I ever got a chance to tell you how much that meant to me. I still have it. It's hanging up on my bedroom wall. Every time I see it, I think of you and your kindness to a person you didn't know that well.

I remember Alexis in Colorado along with the many others I met in my three years there. I remember my old friend Katelyn and her parents' restaurant. "Why do you always ruin my husbands good food with soy sauce?!" Every time I grab a soy sauce packet, I think of you Diane.

There was Helen and Kathryn from my first go round in Tennessee. Let's not forget the long overdue Chelsea. She put up with me through most of my moving all over the place. Since I mentioned her I might as well mention Stephen. That goes back to preschool!

Then of course theres the most recent. There's the how many different Michaels I know?! There's the Daniels, because of course I know more than one. Now, I'm not going to mention EVERYONE. I think you get my point by now - as I've now forgotten mine.

Oh yes, to love. I understand. I do. Whether I like it or not I have a heart and I do use it. And it's been crushed more than once. It's the "and to be loved" that I always seem to struggle with. While I know that I am loved it seems to be much harder to receive than to give.

I found myself talking to my dad last week. He said "Have you ever loved someone and theres nothing you or they can do about it?" and all I could think was "On more than one occasion." Everyone I "once" loved, I still do. I think if it were any other way, it wouldn't really be love.

The receiving, to me, is much like that of someone calling another a hero. It's flattering yet awkward at the same time. Well ok, maybe this is only in my case. Growing up, no one ever taught me how to receive love. I saw it given. Monkey see, monkey do. I do as I was shown to do. While I'm trying change this for myself it is no easy task. That, I can tell you. However, I never have been one for the easy way. I always want a challenge. I guess someone forgot to mention that this time, the challenge would be to receive love; to receive it from myself and from others. Lately all my challenges seem to be with the "simple" things.

Game. On.